We all have our demons to battle. New Year is a time that we somehow feel the strength to take the steps towards change in our lives. One of my demons is my habit of smoking. I had fought and beaten it before but a few years later it found a sneaky way of conquering me. The second time around started slowly. Gradually the urges became stronger.
Lately the addiction seemed to rule me over like an emperor. I had no control whatsoever over my body’s urge for nicotine.
How could this be?
A stupid habit turning into an addiction that is so hard to break. So, by the end of the year something inside me has started to rebel against the terrible habit. Yet, the strength to totally disobey the calling of Nicotine was not, yet there.
As the demon had found its way back into my life in a sneaky form, in a similarly sneaky manner, the strength needed to fight against it, has been secretly building somewhere inside me.
So about ten days ago when I found myself hardly catching my breath on the treadmill, I knew it was the moment to give up my addiction.
I got off the treadmill and have not yet smoked since.
I rebel against the desire. It feels like I am paying for my rebel with all kinds of terrible emotions that act as my warden to keep me imprisoned.
Mood swings, lack of joy, irritable state. All kinds of angry emotions keep pushing me. I know that all will go away through one lousy cigarette. This is the part that wears me out. I try to hang in there, in spite of all the mood swings.
I prefer crying, over accepting defeat, by the demon. I have been, crying so much lately that it has left me wondering what happened to my joyful personality……. I have released ponds of tears.
Is the poison in my body departing through my tears?
Here are few things that keep me going, when I can remember them:
My hair smells great
My skin has an extra glow
My lips are not cracked any more
I have better condition on the treadmill which enables me to run much better
My favorite drink, Coffee Mocha tastes so much better
My sweet mother who feared that I will get cancer; who had bribed me, threatened me, pleaded with me over the years, only to get me to quit smoking is very, very happy.
Of course the reality that I have become a miserable person, overtakes all the rest most of the time. Except when I sip my Mocha, that still gives me pleasure.
Chocolate helps me feel better but that is another one of the demon’s tricks. Should I fill the void through chocolate, I would end up gaining weight which would challenge my resistance against smoking. I have to resist the urge of nicotine and keep away from sweets….what is left to enjoy….?
The way I chose to deal with this particular situation, is through my tears. It does not harm anyone around…….
I try to remind myself; the sorrow comes from my body’s lost ability to naturally produce endorphin, due to too much Nicotine abuse. So it is not Nicotine that gives me joy. It is the very thing that has stolen my natural joy, via making my emotional state dependent on poison. It is Nicotine’s fault that I have to stay away from even chocolate these days!
Hopefully soon, when I am cleared out I will be able to naturally enjoy life again without the handicap of becoming edgy like an addict is, when the effect of nicotine runs out …..
Yet another upside is that the sorrow has brought out the artist in me….
This battle is still going and I cannot wait to kill this demon……….
Writing all this down is an attempt to prevent the sneaky demon from coming back in a few years.
I shall not forget the agony that I have to endure to break the habit. Hopefully this time I will have kicked it for good!