Lately I seem to be able to enjoy the simple things in life more than usual. At a party that I attended, I saw people that I had not seen in a few years. Everyone kept telling me how great I looked. I guess, it was my inner joy manifesting on the outside. I am much happier than I was, the last time I saw those people. I could not understand why but who cares, who analyzes, why they feel good anyway?
Then some small events made me realize the difference between now and the last time that I saw these friends. At the time my heart was broken.
“You can’t just walk away from me like before, you care about me now! I know this because you always take care of me.” Those were his words in one of our final arguments.
Yeah, hello! Of course I cared about him. I was not denying it, so God knows what his problem was. A normal person would appreciate me, taking care of him and not use it against me. Then again I liked most of his abnormalities. I cannot help my strength but it does not mean I do not suffer. The fact that I was emotionally invested should not have to mean that I would let anyone mistreat me. So I did not! My free spirit rebelled against emotional blackmail. It made sense at the time. Now I realize that it is possible that he was just angry at me. Ah well, I felt, completely pushed out of balance at the time. So I ran from it all.
I had not thought of any of these past events in a while. A few years have gone by, since that conversation. Luckily one forgets such things. It was not until a few days ago that I realized that I had forgiven him. We bumped into each other on the street and as soon as I passed him by, I noticed that there were no hard feeling or any kind of resentment left.
Ok! Maybe a tiny little bit of resentment but nothing that a smile cannot fix.
Thank God for that because not forgiving would only hold me back from my spiritual evolution. Actually, now that I am sharing, I should reveal the weird details too. I knew that I had forgiven him even before the encounter. About a week prior to the encounter I had a bad dream about him where, he had health problems. Although it was just a dream, I got worried. I knew that I did not have to wonder for too long or call him. As soon as I put my attention on him, I was going to see him. Oddly how the ability to see him through my attention, turned out to be, a surprisingly reliable method to meet. A few days after the dream, I bumped into him on the street and he looked perfectly fine so I was relieved.
Some more days after this encounter while looking for a document among my messy files, I found the below article on my computer. I never posted it on my blog and completely forgot about writing it. I love writing because it is my way of dealing with things. I never was one of those people who can just whine to their girlfriends, seek everyone’s attention and support, yet I envy those people sometimes. Reading back I felt touched by the expression of my naïve state at the time. One can only express such sorrow when it is raw. Here go my feelings written at the time:
“How to repair a broken heart?
Is that even possible or do we to have continue life with broken parts? Is a broken heart like all other tangible things that break down?
The time that my heart broke down into pieces was not a moment but an elongated process, over a period of time. Looking back I realize how excruciating it was. I was feeling like walls were closing in on me and everything was collapsing. The pieces that were broken gradually crushed into little dust parts. Each new heart breaking move, felt like a bulldozer was driving over the little broken pieces and crushing them into sand, until I had no heart left.
However much it hurt, to have it completely destroyed that was a relief because by then I had become numb. I recall the first numbing strike. It hurt so bad that I could not even react or know what to feel or what to do with myself. My whole existence felt like up in the air, trying to float away from what I was facing. Worse than the pain itself, was the fact that I was not able to escape from it. I did not have to endure the person who was causing the pain but disconnecting myself from him did not take away his ability to inflict pain and that, I had to live with. Given my practical, solution creating, result oriented nature; not being able to control the situation and watch my heart crumble down was hard to accept. In time I found myself completely numb. It did not hurt anymore.
What a relief!
So without even thinking about it, my escape had let me, to go on without my heart. It was such liberation from all the suffering that I did not even realize that it had cost me my heart. I had lost the ability to feel. The romance department of my life has been completely shut down. Of course I still have my heart for humanity, for family, for friends, for good deeds to be done, even for complete strangers; my ability to share love is a hundred percent there.
As far as romance is concerned, I am completely shut down.
What a pity.
I cannot feel attraction, romantic feelings or that type of affection for anyone. I had not even realized it until recently. The love that I have in other areas of my life has disguised the absence of my heart so far. I was under the illusion that all was fine, as pain had stopped. Somehow the absence caught up with me. Once I started questioning what caused the feeling of absence, it hit me.
I had not stopped to question why I automatically turn down anyone, if I sense their interest is beyond a friendly chat. I had always been choosy with my romantic affairs. I never was a very flirty person so I thought this was part of my chastity or usual picky attitude.
I guess resenting anyone that seems attracted to me, must mean that my lack of interest is beyond common reasons. It is only recently that realized that I have no affection or attraction for anyone because there is an empty spot where my heart used to be.
Nothing gets activated when I meet someone. I have been going on without a heart for so long that I have a hard time relating to those who feel attraction.
The void is there but I do not have the necessary equipment to create the change that will fill the gap. One needs to have a heart for that; mine had been crushed into dust.
So what will happen now?
I guess I will keep enjoying reading, writing, sports, meditating, cooking, dancing……….and hope that our hearts have the ability to repair themselves magically, where the dust particulars find each other and assume form again. Until then…..what to do…..? “
Yesterday when I found this article I was hesitating whether to reveal it or not. I am OK now, but I decided to share anyway. The healing power of time is amazing. It is hard to imagine myself so weak, right now. It is also hard to envision my heart to be so closed up. I could not possibly disclose this piece, if I did not feel completely fine. Just in case anyone out there feels sorrow, do not worry!
Natural joy finds its path, back into the heart. Once you start laughing for five minutes at the most simple joke again, just like little children, you know its all good! It happens so spontaneously, that one cannot recall the pain. Had I not written down all the tenderness, I would have not recollected what it was like, to suffer so badly. Our ability to forget past pain makes us eager to keep at things. I mentioned that I had to forgive for my spiritual evolvement… This is precisely why!
The trick is, to not become bitter over things. We are not alone, everyone goes through stuff! How we deal with it determines our ability to enjoy again or be stuck on once upon a time… I suggest, desiring to laugh again…it sure beats sulking!