Anger Justified

The year is coming to an end. Not only the year but the decade is coming to an end. This was a good year but in general the decade was not my favorite.

So many things happened within the last 10 years and through them we get formulated as who we are. I had great times too, but I had to deal with a lot of crappy situations and people over the last decade.

I may have been more patient than I am meant to be with people and situations. Being a yogini, it sometimes gets tricky to balance the not reacting and not letting people cross the line.

This week I had an interesting experience in that regard. I have been getting certain services for about 8 months where I pay for them sometimes even early because the other party needs it, yet there is always a problem with the service. Whenever I raise it, the person gets edgy and angry and I was patient because the same person was whining about how he is in dire straits and in need etc.

So recently, he yelled at me while discussing the things that need fixing and I let it slide but I was disturbed.

A while went by and when he asked for payment I reminded of the things that need fixing. He telephoned me again and started yelling. He tried to threaten me slightly, that the law does not matter, he has other means.

I completely lost it. I was yelling so hard and so harsh that he was shocked

The fact of the matter is that I sometimes forget that Turkey is a country where men, more so the working class may feel superior over women.  Especially, a woman living alone may seem like easy to intimidate or something. My life has been an exception to the rule of my country because there has never been a male authority figure in my life.

Coincidentally my bosses happened to be female before I had my own business. In my personal life, my father was not an authority figure at all. As a child he was the cool dad. His biggest threat was telling my mom. The men that I’ve been with would of course respect me as their partner, their equal.

So, as a woman I have never felt unequal against a man let alone feeling intimidated.

Therefore, I was furious when he dared speak to me in a threatening manner. Also, I am used to commanding huge dogs and putting them in their place. This may seem irrelevant but I commanded him the same way to shut up this very instant that it is neither his place nor his position to threaten me. I kept yelling and yelling the harshest words reminding him what an uneducated, incompetent, ignorant being he is and how he would ever imagine that I cannot deal with him when in fact he is so beneath me.

I know it’s terrible, but he really truly needed to hear all that because until then he still tried to see if he could get me to back down. Anyway, eventually the dynamic changed the whole threatening attitude disappeared

I was surprised how good it felt to yell so bad at that idiot. I rarely lose my temper like that.  However, he was annoying me and it was disturbing me. Also, I am not a vengeful person so I was not making him suffer a bit when I could. I was taking the high road, being the nice person despite of the attitude.

Anyway, along with the decade coming to an end I find myself questioning certain things.

One of them is finding the balance between not being vengeful and not letting people get away without having consequences for their actions.

Because I tend to let go and really not care. In most cases, I let small things slide because it really doesn’t matter to me. However, people don’t always get that and it makes them cross the line sometimes. This guy certainly did cross the line.

So, I think in the year 2020 as a new year’s resolution I will try to find a better balance between not being vengeful and letting people take advantage of that quality.

Also, in my personal life, the small things that I let slide before maybe I won’t anymore and just cut people out of my life…after all I am always blessed with the amount of people that want to be part of my life so why bother with the problematic situations…

Die Off

Summer is almost over and I had a nice summer. I visited Slovenia and Italy in the beginning of the summer which was really nice. Then I went to Halkidiki in Greece and Thassos.

Later on, I went to Ayvalık/Ören in the south of Turkey.

 

Each vacation felt so good.

 

I have been on some sort of a cleanse for the past 6 months and I am still clearing out but in general I feel much better than I used to.

 

I still have ways to go but chatting with my healer today I felt so grateful.

 

When I visited him 6 months ago I was feeling desperate. During the past 5 years I have undergone surgery 3 times, yet still I was not completely fine.

 

The last time I felt healthy was in 2013. The summer of 2014; I had my first surgery which I was supposed to heal after. I did not.

 

After another year of suffering, I had my second surgery in 2015.

 

I still was not back to my healthy ways, I was just doing better than before.

 

In 2016, I went to India and spent some time at a Sahaja Yoga Hospital and then went to the Himalayas. It helped.

 

I was doing better but not like before this whole health issue situation started. Not like back in 2013.

 

In 2017 my situation deteriorated and by now I was considered someone who is fussy about their health issues, a hypochondriac so I was not sharing my agony much, I was mostly suffering in silence until I passed out in public once. On this day, I was scolded for being a drama queen cause the doctors could not detect anything.

 

I had trouble breathing all these years, sometimes more severe than other times and my body was producing cysts that I was getting removed via surgery.

 

Doctors kept telling me it’s all psychological and then after suffering for months, I would end up with surgery because some cyst would block something and they would realize it is something physical that would turn out to be the cause the shortness of breath.

 

So, in the summer of 2018, I got yet another surgery and this time I was hopeful that it will all come to an end.

 

For a little bit after surgery I was doing better, then my situation started deteriorating again.

 

This time I really started to feel desperate.

 

I had started to develop anxiety, I would have shortness of breath and all the tests came out OK. So, the doctor convinced me that I my situation was stress related.

 

I knew that my stress level was not so bad that I would be unable to breath but I did not know what to do.

 

So, I decided to visit Tarık a family friend who is a healer.  He comes from a long line of a Sufi family, he started Sahaja Yoga in Turkey back in the day. Although his professional life is completely different, he is an amazing healer.

 

I told him about my anxiety issues, how I was unable to walk even short distances, how I get shortness of breath. I wanted to get some acupuncture. This was around February 2019.

 

As soon as he saw me, he looked at the puffiness under my eyes and told me that I have a parasite infection.

 

I tried to explain that my main problem is breathing and anxiety so it may be psychological according to the doctors. He told me, parasites cause anxiety and depression.

 

He did apply acupuncture. Then he told me a regimen to clear out the parasites.

 

At first, I did not grasp the reality nor the severity of my situation.

 

After all the last doctor that I was seeing had put me through so many tests and this never occurred to him. All he came up with was “stress”

 

However, I followed Tarık’s regimen religiously. The first week was tough. I thought I was having a heart attack after each day I chewed the pills to kill parasites.

 

After a few weeks and diets and chewing more parasite medicines and taking probiotics, more than a month went by and I was improving but still sick.

 

The major change was that he had helped me get rid of all the anti-acid pills and painkillers that I was taking daily. I was up to 10 pills a day when I am in fact against medicine.

 

I had no choice, to get through the day I was taking all these anti-acids. The doctor had told me that I should never quit them as I had tried before and had gotten worse.

 

Anyhow, thanks to Tarık, I completely stopped taking them after the first time I saw him.

 

The parasites initially were not so visible but I could sense the positive change.

 

After a month and a half, he put me on a pumpkin seeds mixed with home-made yoghurt regimen. No medicine, nothing else.

 

I don’t know when exactly the little critters became so visible but after a while I became able to see them get released. At first when I started to see them so visibly, I could not believe my eyes, it felt like a horror movie.

 

I would get really sick, feel like I am dying, when it was them that were dying. So not only were they feeding on me, causing me constant, iron, vitamin D and B12 deficiency but also, they had control over my mood.

 

In time, I’ve learned that if I feel really sick, a colony is dying and releasing toxins that make me feel sick.

 

I also learned that they move into the lungs which causes shortness of breath.

 

There are probably multiple reasons I got infected so terribly. As I checked online, I discovered some of the critters I release are caused by crab meat (sushi) which I love.

 

Analyzing my situation, I understand that from 2014 on when I first had shortness of breath, I have been subscribed so many anti-acids and after each surgery I used so many antibiotics that my gut flora’s defense mechanism was completely destroyed.

 

Before  the summer of 2014 you could not find an aspirin in my house. However, once it all started doctors started giving me a number of anti-acids, something like Pepto-Bismol that you take in liquid form before the meal, something in the middle of the meal and something after the meal, three times a day. They would tell me, if and when I take all of these I should have no problem.

 

They did not work, I still had severe shortness of breath and also I was constantly hoping to heal and get rid of them.

 

Now I am realizing that they killed all the good bacteria that may be left in my gut and prepared a perfectly good environment to expand and make a home for the parasites that I may have gotten from some raw meat or something. There was no defense mechanism. The more anti-acids I took, the better environment was created for the parasites.

 

Of course, another side effect was the constant tired state. I’ve been lacking energy since 2013. That was the first time I started having a hard time working out like my usual self and got iron deficiency.

 

Six years is a long time so this low level of energy has become my new normal.

 

Since, I’m still going through the clear out, I am still always tired. Fighting off invasion in your body is extremely tiring for the internal organs that are working overtime to eliminate the toxins released by the dying parasites.

 

However I am not taking any medicine except for activated carbon which is not chemical but a natural product that helps toxins be escorted out of the body by acting like a magnet that makes them adhere to itself.

 

My anxiety situation is much better.

 

Also, it is good to understand what is happening.

 

All these years that I was probably infected, I just felt sick and the medicine I took gave me temporary relief while it helped the opposing team.

 

Now the game has changed. I am finally in the game and have troops in my gut that kill off the invaders.

 

While dying they make me sick, but it’s OK. All these years that I was being told that it must be psychological I was feeling desperate.

 

At least now, even though I still sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, out of breath which is terrible, the next day a colony gets released and I know it is the fight that makes me sick and I am winning.

 

Before, they were constantly winning, making me sick, extending their territory into my organs while weakening my immune system whereby I kept developing cysts after cysts, for which I kept getting surgeries after surgeries.

 

Anyhow although I am still not completely healed and I still feel weak and tired of the constant fight taking place in my body, I have hope because I am doing way better than before and I am able to understand what is going on, why I am getting sick etc.

 

I have been using heating pads to get relief over the past few years and I have been carrying it with me everywhere. I was told by people around me that it must be a psychological attachment that I developed with the heating pad.

 

Yeah right!

 

Later on, I discovered that parasites cannot stand heat and they suggest saunas and heating lamps etc. as a remedy.

So, I was not delusional, it really does help. It makes them retrieve during the fight with my good guys in my system who try to defend me, which causes a commotion, thus shortness of breath and bloating.

 

Anyway, I am happy that the mystery to my situation is solved and I am so grateful to my healer Tarık. If it was not for him, I don’t know what would have happened.

 

It is a little embarrassing what I go through so I was not sure whether I wanted to write about it. Then I decided to share my experience. I have been suffering for years now from a condition that could probably easily be cured if I went on this cleanse years ago.

 

I cannot believe that this possibility never occurred to any of the internists that I had been visiting all these years and they kept misdiagnosing me and simply labeling it IBS. Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

So, if anyone out there reading this has similar problems that they simply label as stress related, do not take the medicine that suppresses the symptoms but does not cure anything, in fact makes it all worse.

 

I don’t know when I will be completely healed but not taking any medicines for the past six months is improvement.

 

I don’t have the kind of anxiety that I had when I began treatment so that is improvement.

My Die Off symptoms are still there but I am hoping that they will eventually all die off and life will become like prior to all these health issues…

Time for Indulgence!

I started writing the below piece in January and did not finish, nor publish it. I enjoy finding such pieces on my computer from time to time. 

“Love always finds its way back to us. Today I had my first Sahaja Yoga Class in the new year. I really enjoyed it. 

It was difficult to arrange the time and please everyone who wants to join etc. 

So on the car ride there I was thinking to myself, if it is getting too complicated maybe I should just stop after this class. After all, these are voluntary activities and lately I don’t feel like I have the patience or the desire to deal with complicated situations.

This year I hope to have less complications in my life, so if something appears stuck, not progressing, the Yogi like thing to do would be to let go.  The same rule can be applied to many aspects of life, whether it is business or personal. After enough try, if something is not progressing, it is probably not meant to, so it is time to accept and move on. 

Anyway, I was feeling this type of detachment towards the class as well, since organizing a class appeared to be more complicated than meant to be, however I was pleasantly surprised otherwise upon arrival. 

I felt love. 

There was pastry and tea and everyone started chatting. It was nice. Gradually, I turned on some meditative music and eventually, I said “Shall we start?”

We broke away from the delightful tea and chat mode and transitioned into the meditation mood. The moment the meditation started I felt my Shakti power manifest itself. 

The power of a yogini is a very subtle power. There is nothing loud about it. It is the ability to sense others and transform situations. It is also a very dignified power. This week I was judged for not being so loud and making an effort to be the center of attention. 

This is an absurd notion for a yogini. We are meant to be poised and dignified. Anyhow, I never had try to get the attention of a crowd or a person, it always happened naturally. 

Today, during class there was one woman, she came to the venue for a beauty treatment and heard of the class, thus joined by coincidence. She seemed so miserable when she first sat down. After an hour of meditation I could see the spark in her eyes and it gave me tremendous joy. She told me that she had been depressed lately and that the meditation made her feel so much better. I don’t know her story but I could sense that she had been oppressed by someone and my heart went out to her. 

Triggering her transformation is the power of Sahaja Yoga which is the power of love. This love that yogis and yoginis are meant to exhume can be very magnetic thus a true yogi or yogini should not have to try at all for attention. 

Also love always comes back to anyone who sends it out there. So these past few days I have been feeling it every which way and it felt good. 

I have a desire for certain changes in my life which renders me less willing to deal with non-progressive situations. “

A few months went by since I wrote those lines. 

One of the changes that happened spontaneously in my life has been doing more fun activities. I was very involved with volunteer work for a long time. I still am but the time I allocate has become much less. 

I enjoy doing fun stuff lately. 

Spontaneously my life has shifted towards a lot of indulgence. I needed it, so I am enjoying it. 

I’ve had accupuncture treatment from a dear friend who is  a wonderful healer. I have been eating a certain way to treat my body well. Having, ski trips enjoying the mountains, SPA trips enjoying the natural healing waters.

Sports and SPA’s, have become a bigger part of my life. I’m working towards a project that really excites me. 

I am loving it all. 

Sharing love with those in need may be good but sometimes taking a step back and focusing on oneself is also very good. 

I did not realize that I was starting to feel a bit drained but distancing myself from it all has made me feel the way I did when I was fresh out of college before life started. 

Careless and joyful!

The Year of Dancing

2018 is over. It was a year filled with ups and downs.

My worst memory of the year was my mom being rushed to the hospital with a heart condition and me going after the ambulance not knowing how I will find her.

It was a big trauma.

Once she got better we took a long family vacation and it felt really good. We enjoyed like we had not in a long time. I messed up some of the fun by still being worried about her but all in all it was delightful.

The year ended with its ups and downs and my first day of 2019 has felt great. Nothing special about the day but a familiar feeling has returned. Some music came up on the radio and I started dancing in the house out of the blue.

The song below.

Dancing even when alone just because I am taken by the music, used to be so typical of me. In  fact I used to be known for my dancing. Recently a friend from college wrote on my facebook wall that he always remembers me with my dancing. Some of my best friends were from Spain and they taught me to dance the Sevillanas. We used to dance so much.

When I first met my Guru Shri Mataji She said to me “Aa the dancer”. She had noticed me dancing in the crowd before I was introduced to her.

I remember my first boyfriend with whom I used to live together in the states had invited me to Miami a while after we had broken up. His mates were the boys I knew from Istanbul. They had all asked me to cook a proper Turkish meal. So here we were in Miami of course latin music on the radio. I was dancing away with my  wooden spoon in one hand in the air, keeping up with the rythim while cooking. My ex said “Forget the cooking and spoiling me, this joy is what I miss most about you.” 

Another memory when I was still in my teens. We had gone to this place called Zihni with my family, which was very popular by the Bosphorus. There was a Cubana live group and as I was keeping rhythm with them they pulled me onto the stage to keep up with them…we enjoyed so much.

Then comes a memory from last year. One of my mom’s good friends with whom I am in the same charity was dancing at an all ladies event with live music. When I joined them upon being asked she was surprised that I would dance. Her image of me was too poised or something. I whispered into her ear “I am part Bosnian part, Circassian descent it is in my veins.” 

Anyhow, I always enjoy either way but life has become a tad too serious over the last decade and I miss the “let your hair down and simply go with the music feeling.” 

(Zumba pool party at my gym in 2011)

The feeling suddenly came back and I hope it will stay with me throughout the year and then some….

 

 

It’s about time Syrians get Syria back!

The US decided to withdraw their troops out of Syria after years of presence there. Many American Senators and so forth seem distressed that this move will leave the Kurds in a tough spot. They consider Kurds their biggest ally and think that siding with the ally’s enemy is a terrible thing to do.

I am surprised that most of them appear so unaware that Turkey and the US have been allies for 60 years until recently when the US decided to arm the Kurds who use some of those weapons on Turkish soil via PKK which is accepted as a terror organization by NATO, US, EU and many other countries, there has been a slight fall out.

So the fighting Kurdish forces that everyone seems to be so lovey dewy about, happen to bomb and kill ordinary people in Turkish cities, just like any other terrorist organization does and is condemned when they do.

I understand that some may be sympathetic to the idea that Kurds should separate and have their own country etc.

None of those sympathetic people seem to consider the results of putting such an idea into motion. In order to realize this dream the Kurds need to fight and take the land from whomever has legal claim over the territory currently.

Their dream is to have this huge country that is part Turkish territory, part Syrian territory and part Iraqi territory.

Now there are a few glitches in this plan that the so called idealist who sympathize with this idea seem to miss.

There are millions of Syrian refugees who fled to Turkey and Europe is willing to pay Turkey to prevent them from shifting to Europe. The US hardly accepted any of them, the Arabs slammed their doors although most of these refugees are Arab muslims and could easily adapt in the Arabic countries.
Turkey’s aspiration has been for the region to be cleared of all kinds of terrorists and for the Syrians to be able to go back to their homeland and live safely.

Of course Kurds want to own the territories where Syrian Arabs used to live so any force that fights there, even when it is against ISIS they call them Jihadists to continue the western support.

The west appears to be convinced that the Kurds have been the biggest threat against ISIS.

This is a misconception too. The US has tried to convince its ally Turkey for many years to send troops into Syria and Turkey refused. Instead suggested to help Syrians build an army and defend their territory. This army is called the Free Syrian Army. They have failed which opened up space for organizations such as ISIS or PKK which is the same army under the name of YPG.

Now ordinary men who fled the country to be trained and sent to defend their land appeared like a good idea but they were not as effective as members of terror organizations that are used to combat.

As years went by Kurds got their hopes up that they can be the new Lords of the regions that were vacated by fleeing Syrians.

This may seem OK in the eyes of those sympathetic to the idea of Kurds having their own country. However international support said one thing and did another.

What about all the Syrians that vacated that land, as mentioned earlier they are hardly welcomed anywhere. Had they been welcomed in the west, offering their land up for grabs would be one thing. But not welcoming them anywhere but also wanting their land to be handed out to the Kurds, really?!?
So it is very much in Turkey’s interest that those territories are cleared of terrorist and that the millions of refugees hosted by the Turks can go back home safe and sound.
Now, after years of not wanting to send troops to the region Turkey eventually has started sending troops down there and securing territories from ISIS or anyone was a matter of hours wherever the army went.

The groups within the regions that were cleared are mostly various terrorist groups such as ISIS itself, not actual armies.

Now this was a problem for Kurdish fighting groups because they were hoping to secure the territories cleared from ISIS, as their own and later on try to break land from Iraq and Turkey as well.

When Turks clear the region they do it for the Syrians who had to flee.

Now that the Kurdish fighters have lost the backing of the US they appear terrified of what Turks will do to them. In fact there is nothing to be so terrified.

Unless they fight Turks they are not in harms way. However if they want to claim the land that was in fact inhabited by the Syrians until they fled, and if they are willing fight for it, they need to consider whether they have the power to do so.

Of course they don’t, they were counting on the US to give them a country that is stretched over territories of other existing countries.

Another glitch is that this is against Turkish interest in matters of national security. So, Turkey was never going to allow a terrorist group that has been attacking civilians of the nation for over 30 years to share a border with Turkey.

I know, these days it is fashionable to consider Kurdish fighters to be activists not terrorists but the law says otherwise. In fact the US being Turkey’s ally for decades, captured Abdullah Ocalan the leader of The Kurdish terrorist group in Kenya in 1999 and handed him over to Turkey. He has been imprisoned since then. The PKK is on the US terrorist list since 1997
https://www.state.gov/j/ct/rls/other/des/123085.htm

The PYD and PKK are the same organization with the same leaders and commanders.

So, for those who seem so upset that the US left the Kurds with no support;

-the US was never going to go into war with Turkey to build a county for the Kurds.
-Kurds did not fight ISIS to defend the western world from a terrorist group such as ISIS, Kurds fought ISIS in hopes of grabbing the territory.
-The millions of Syrian refugees in Turkey and the hundreds of thousands in the west, where they are in fact not welcome, deserve to go back home.
-For years, Erdogan has been asking the world to resolve this refugee issue by having no fly zone safe areas rebuilt in Syria for these refugees to go back and start their lives, yet none of the involved parties accepted.
-Syrian lives should matter too, so those ‘humanitarians’ who appear so worried about the safety of Kurds in Syria should realize that the Kurds they worry about are combat fighters not civilians.
-They are Kurdish Combat fighters who want to attack the Turkish troops while themselves remain under the protection of the American Army.
-The US entered Syria to protect Americans from organizations such as ISIS, not to build a country for anyone.
So Trump’s decision to step out and let Erdoğan clear out ISIS is a wise decision. Turkish troops have been wiping ISIS out and President Erdoğan even made a call to the refugees in Turkey that they will be assisted in relocation to the safe zones if they chose to do so, that schools, hospitals and all needs will be built in these areas by Turks so that they can have a normal life. Same goes for ordinary Kurdish citizens of Syria. Nobody is going to wipe them out, on the contrary they will be helped in rebuilding their cities and lives.

However this dream of attacking Turkish troops, gaining territory over vacated Syrian land is and was always unlikely. I read things such as French support or Saudi Arabian support of the Kurds. This will be another empty hope, bound to end in disappointment for the Kurds.

The Saudis did not accept fleeing Syrian Arabs into their country, I doubt that they would go against Turkish troops in support of Kurdish Guerrilla fighters. Also some points that are missed sometimes is that Turks ruled over the whole region, for 400 years up until a hundred years ago. Their memories of the Turkish army are fresh.

As to France, Turkey and France are both members of the NATO, I doubt that they will team up with with the Kurdish Guerrilla forces that want to attack Turkish troops.

So in summary; the US troops getting out of Syria while supporting the idea of Turks clearing out ISIS may bring a very good outcome for the Syrian refugees that have been suffering for years now. Having their homeland to live in peace!
As to Kurds, they as well can live there in peace should the region be cleared of terrorists.

It’s just that this war has been going on for 7 years now and Kurdish Guerilla forces still have not been able to clear out ISIS. How is it fair for Kurds to claim a land that belonged and was inhabited by Syrians when they could not even defend it against ISIS?

This may sound harsh but Kurdish fighters are in fact the PKK terrorists with a new name and when they fight other terrorists the mess is what you see in Syria and the world’s refugee problem of ordinary civilians who fled from all the terrorists is what happens.

It’s about time Syrians get Syria back!

Social Media Clear Out!

It is a very cozy Sunday. I have been cuddling with my doggies, enjoying foamy cappuccinos, just feeling calm.

A week ago my volunteer Sahaja Yoga class was featured on the news and in some magazines. It did not mean so much to me in the sense that I believe that at the level of spirit we are all one, so sometimes I end up sharing my love with housewives at a community center, sometimes with small children in Lebanon or in Istanbul other times at more Hip centers of art and dances. Either way the principle does not change, we meditate together and through the awakening of the Kundalini transformation finds us.

Shri Mataji, the founder of Sahaja Yoga has hundreds of speeches where she always asks yogis to give realization which is the awakening of the kundalini. She had been nominated for a world peace award by the Nobel committee, although someone else got the award that year, there is a reason She was nominated.

The more positive, loving, peaceful people there are, the better the world becomes. Simple as that!

Once the kundalini is awakened, if the person continues to meditate the chakras clear out and they become happier, ideally.

However truly understanding the philosophy is something else. I was lucky to be introduced to it at a young age, thus I was formulated with the knowledge.

So all my life I have had volunteer Sahaja Yoga classes here and there. Last year I met a lady who is elder than me and she had also been in Sahaja Yoga for a long time. She is from Antalya and as we were chatting I told her that I had one appearance at local TV channel in Antalya in 1999 or so, I was translating for a foreigner yogi who was giving realization.

She said “Oh my God! That is when I received my realization. I remember I was watching the show and your voice was so calming that I repeated the moves and it felt so nice that I started joining the local classes.” I was a blonde at the time, so when we met years later, she never knew that I was the person she had seen on TV ages ago.

Anyhow, I was touched by this story.

When I was doing the classes at the local community center I asked other Sahaja Yogis for help so that we can have bigger programs since I had such good relations with the municipality and they have very nice buildings with suitable halls.

For years I brought this up, and got no support whatsoever. Such a program needs to be done collectively with a music program and maybe a classical Indian dance. At least that is how its done everywhere else in the world.

Neither the dancer nor the musicians were interested in supporting me.

Instead of complaining about it, I sought other environments where I can spread the love. So recently I started a new class which was featured on the national news last week.

It seems that suddenly so many yogis took interest in the matter.

I had no idea actually, I called a friend just to ask her to send some positive vibrations my way, because I was feeling very heavy on vibes. She thought I called her in regards to the criticism. I asked her “What criticism?”

Turns out she was being polite. There was a facebook group that I used to be part of, and they removed me, in order to comfortably gossip about me?!?

I did not even realize that I was removed because I never read the posts which were mostly whining about this and that.

She read the comments and I was surprised that some were from people who would smile to my face of course.
The one that most surprised me was from one lady who is closer to my Mom’s age. She and her sister used to practice Sahaja Yoga and then they stopped for 15 years. Then I visited her sister and invited her to the Sahaja Yoga Center.
I was actually warned at the center that she is the worst gossiper who only likes to stir the pot wherever she goes. Of course, being the ever optimist I embraced her with an open heart and defended her behind her back. I never told her that I had to work to get her accepted into the environment, or that she or her sister were in fact unwelcome. A true yogi would not reveal such a thing when it’s her own deed. The end result was what mattered.

Anyway, a few years later she was pushed away and my mom revealed this to her and she was in shock because she felt she was more of a yogi than anyone and everyone.

So considering that their return to practicing Sahaja Yoga happened through me, I was a bit baffled with her comments.

Turns out the lady from Antalya who found my voice calming and came to the Sahaja Yoga Center ages ago defended me and told everyone to be inspired instead of critical of me.
There were other defenders as well and those who were critical were rather petty about it. They were annoyed that it was stated that I have practiced Sahaja Yoga in many countries from Africa to India to Italy to Lebanon to America and so forth. They know it is true so they could not say anything about that but were against it being expressed.

Turns out they had a problem with my Sari as well.

Ironically, Indian Sahaja Yogis always compliment on my Sari and tell me that it looks just like Shri Mataji’s saris. So when they comment on photos I tell them that I bought them from the sari shop where Shri Mataji used to shop in Pune. They act delighted.

The whole story is also sweet.

I was in Indonesia from where I was going to go to India. Yogiji Uncle said I should spend a few days at his aunts house in Mumbai before I arrived to Pune. They are not Sahaja Yogis but his family is very eminent.

They took me to a wedding at the Taj hotel as soon as arrived. I had changed into a nice western evening gown on the plane as their driver took me straight to the wedding from the airport. It was lavish and went on for days and days at various Taj Hotel locations. It turns out a very prominent Bollywood Producer’s daughter was getting married so all Bollywood was at the wedding. I don’t know Indian celebrtities but from the way they carried themselves I could tell who was the megastar and so forth. It was fun.

Anyhow his aunt took a look at my existing saris and told me they are not suitable. She told me that I have to choose the pure silk ones. So with Yogi Uncle’s daughter Pragya we went to the store where Shri Mataji bought her saris and I bought my silk saris.

I love saris for I find them so graceful. During my last visit in the Himalayas, Yogiji Uncle had gifted me a beautiful sari. So his other aunt invited me to their estate. I wore the sari and since it was a short walk from the ashram I insisted to walk instead of being driven there.

As, I was chatting with them, aunties husband told me that I really know how to carry myself in a sari, he said “most westerner women don’t know how to walk in it.” I was very pleased to hear this.

A sari is basically a long cloth with no stitches, if you do not wear it properly it can run off of one.
As they were taping the class for the news the cameraman was asking me to move here and there and he did not understand why I was not swift. There was a slight sense of urgency in his voice. Eventually, I told him “Have you ever worn a sari? You do realize that is just a cloth right?” He looked surprised and started laughing while apologizing for not understanding sooner. I love it that the sari also makes us behave so graceful by its nature.

Anyhow, going back to the topic of gossipers when I heard about it, I was a bit annoyed at first but then decided not to react.

“If they cannot say anything to my face let them remain behind me” has been my policy against gossipers all my life.

If they meditated they would not be able to behave this way. Clearly they like to be part of a community but did not get the essence of the philosophy of Sahaja Yoga.

So I am glad that they are never around to support my programs because they would have misrepresented Sahaja Yoga anyway.

This Saturday I went to the class again and there was this one lady. She had seen us on the news and called the place, asked to come. After mediation she explained that she had lost her father to cancer and during the fight for his life she developed an illness.
She felt the vibrations. I don’t know if she will continue but as I always say, one person that I may reach out to, matters! She did feel the cool breeze on top of her head as we were mediating which is her awakened kundalini.

When I heard her story, it felt worththe unpleasant behavior that I had to endure from so called yogis.

Of course it was nice to discover the defenders behind my back as well.

So today I removed the gossipers from my social media, it turns out they even took screen shots of my instagram to share in this closed group and to gossip under those photos.

Really?!?

Every class I repeat that we have to forgive. I also always explain that it does not mean that we have to keep enduring. So disconnecting from them is my best response. They don’t get to smile to my face while speaking behind my back.

Luckily I am someone who is always more surrounded by sweetness than bitterness, so let them sulk in their misery.

Actually Sahaja Yogis are supposed to be all about joy, because that is what happens when someone’s chakras clear out. Even during class, I mostly advise first comers “Do not try to hold it in if you have to laugh all of a sudden, it is not rude to me, Sahaja Yoga brings out childlike joy and some people cannot hold their giggles during class, which is fine.”

So how other yogis lack this joy is beyond my comprehension sometimes. Obviously they do not meditate, otherwise this would not be possible. There is so much joy in meditating, I find it hard to understand how those exposed to this feeling abandon it and start acting like ordinary souls. The journey of a yogi is about spiritual evolvement of the self. Anyway, today letting go of them by disconnecting through social media felt like a nice clear out too.

It also made me realize what a blessing it is to have the inner peace to simply enjoy cuddling with my doggies and foamy cappuccinos…

Real Women vs TV Personas

Recently I wrote about a famous singer named Sıla being beaten by her also famous boyfriend Ahmet Kural. The whole thing became a big discussion point on the media. Most people sided with her although some people also sided with her boyfriend.

In my previous blog entry I mentioned that I was glad that she dealt with it so publicly. 

I am sure that was not easy for her. This is a strong, famous woman who suddenly became a victim. She also had to endure the comments of bigots siding with her boyfriend.

I believe that it is her strength that enabled her to deal with this issue so publicly. 

Her approach did what I hoped it would. This week, on twitter, I saw random women of various backgrounds and ages complaining of the beatings; they or their family members were enduring. 

 

I was so touched with the reactions. 

One girl in a headscarf wrote the name and last name of her sister’s husband who apparently is a small businessman in good standing in the town they live in. She explains that he beats her sister who is a housewife with no income and children so she cannot leave him. She also explains that her sister cannot come home as her father is no different than the husband. He is also a beater thus agrees with the groom. Her sister’s husband had beaten her as well when she went to pick her and the kids once. 

Wow!

It sounds terrible but the solidarity of women came through and for that I am thankful to Sıla who rolled the ball. Under the initial tweet of this girl there were so many Direct Message requests from other women that I am sure she felt that she is not helpless. 

 

Female solidarity is usually not very strong in Turkey. Mostly women treat each other like rivals. I always assumed that the reason behind is that historically we did not have to put up a fight for certain women rights like, voting or being elected the way women did in other countries. 

Ataturk handed these rights to women just like that, so Turkish women were able to vote and be elected long before French or Italian women who had to put up a fight for the right. 

The lack of solidarity has made it easier for women’s rights to be neglected. 

Women standing against women are still an issue in Turkey.

Just yesterday there was a discussion on a pro-government news channel where the guests they chose were a bit odd. One supposed writer/columnist who would have never been considered a TV personality if it was based on merit. She became famous for openly expressing her dislike of Ataturk, she is not educated or anything her whole fame comes from talking negative about the secular system. 

Another guest was a supposed artist (Big question mark). She was famous about 15 years ago for a song that basically said “He is a soldier now, he must be horny”. It was a hit for a minute or so and then everyone forgot about her. So by siding with the man who battered Sıla who is a real artist and a popular singer year after year, she got to appear on TV again. 

How pathetic!

An actor, a lawyer and a female rights activist were the other guests. 

It was a scandalous talk show where the former “singer             “advocated that men can beat women and women should keep silent about it. 

Although this show annoyed a large number of people possibly including Sıla, it does not change the positive effect of what she did. She gave courage to ordinary women, to become louder about the abuse they endure. She became a role model thus gave the message that they do not have to be embarrassed for being victimized. They can speak up about it. It is the abusive men who should be embarrassed, better yet out casted for their behavior. 

The moment they spoke up, the reaction of other women on social media gave me hope. It is the female solidarity that can change things. When women help other women gain shelter, get jobs; keep away from these men while building a life that is how things can change. 

 

A few years ago there was a catastrophe in Turkey where a coal mine collapsed and the workers in it lost their lives. It was devastating. Everyone was talking about it and blaming the government, blaming this, blaming that…

A friend of mine who is a known philanthropist just went there for support and orchestrated an immediate income opportunity for the grieving widows. 

Yes! Aside from the grief of losing their loved ones, there was the pressing issue of survival.He organized it so that they learned how to make soaps and the soaps they made were sold in chain cosmetic stores. 

It had a slogan that I cannot exactly recall but it expressed the transition of hands with coal to hands with soap. 

Such an inspiring project that it touched me deeply!

How is this relevant? 

When women have an income of their own they are less likely to be cornered into a position where they have to endure abuse. It may still happen of course, abuse is known to happen in all kinds of households with all kinds of educational and economical background. But having an income at least gives them a chance to walk away. Thus, to see someone bring change while everyone was busy expressing anger and complaints was touching. 

The same way now; on TV we hear these people talk nonsense really, nothing that adds to the situation. 

On the contrary an abused woman may have served fruits to her abusive husband last night while they were listening to another woman on TV; advocating to keep quiet when getting beaten by a man because it is his right. 

However social media tells a different story. Real woman are speaking up about what they go through and real women are expressing that they can help out. 

So it’s nice to know that just like my friend who came up with an inspiring, life changing solution for the grieving widows of the deceased mine workers which never became loud news; there are women extending their hands to the abused ones who express themselves. Maybe it is not loud on TV, but it is what counts! 

Sıla’s bold move of going public seems to have been worth the headache they are causing her after all. 

Battered Women!

I am about to start a new Sahaja Yoga Class and I find myself a little excited over it. About 6 months ago I gave realization to people at an event. Last week we had another event at the same venue and I did not give realization. I did not think people were interested but to my surprise they asked me about it and appeared disappointed that we did not have it again. 

 

So I decided to start some classes again. The last class I was having for, 4.5 years was with ladies from completely different socio-cultural strata than the one I live in. It was a different experience. For example, the ladies were unable to learn the mantras no matter how hard I tried. Neither were they able to remember the names of the chakras nor their qualities. 

 

They understood vibrations though. The essence is not the mental bit but the vibrations. In my experience the simple folk have a better grasp of vibrations maybe because they are not confused with all the mental information. 

 

Actually I was going to stop the classes a year sooner than I did but the last year that I had them an organization for battered women called ‘Mor Dayanışma’ approached me to have classes for ladies in their group and I agreed of course. 

 

It was an interesting experience, first of all they were rather dignified about their domestic life and never brought up exactly what was happening at home but their chakras were telling the story. Most of them had their center heart chakra blocked which derives from fear. They also had their agnya chakras and their left nabhi and left vishudi chakras blocked mostly. 

 

Agnya blockage comes from the inability to forgive. It also derives from resistance. When we cannot accept a situation the resistance activates constant thoughts which block the chakra. The left agnya was also blocked a lot which happens when one feels inadequate or in the past. This is the chakra of conditionings. If our conditionings take us over it gets blocked and we end up feeling inadequate. 

 

The left nabhi catch happens when we have family and household worries and the left vishudi happens when we feel guilty. 

However the awakening of the Kundalini brings along plenty of miracles and things turn around in the most mysterious ways. Once a person realizes the power of the Kundalini, it is a life changing experience, because nothing can stand against this subtle power and this creates an amazing sense of security. 

 

The ladies have gained access to this kind of subtle power, what they do with it is up to them. Their choices are either to keep meditating and grow even stronger or stop meditating and let the awakened Kundalini go back to its dormant state. 

 

One of the techniques of Sahaja Yoga is to raise the Kundalini and give oneself a bhandan. This way one is protected from outside energy through the shield of their own energy and the connection through the Kundalini. When one says this, it may sound like mumbo jumbo, but as I said the ladies who were unable to learn the mantras or the chakras were able to understand vibrations. 

So one of them once said that out of the blue sitting at home she raised her Kundalini and gave herself a bhandan. She explained that as soon as she finished a fight broke out in the house but nobody bothered her. Like she was invisible. 

 

That is exactly how this power works. 

 

You don’t have to strive through regular means to resolve a situation, some other form happens naturally. 

Of course even though I have been a yogini for a long time, even I forget the extend of this power sometimes. Two years ago when I went to India I told my Yogini Uncle that my Sahaj luck appeared to not present itself the way it used to, he suggested that I should go to India at least twice a year to regain strength. I have not been able to go in a while so I have been trying to achieve that state here. It’s not the same like India but I can sense the elevation. 

 

By Sahaj Luck, I actually mean pure attention. When the attention is strong anything you put it on presents itself before you. This happens when the connection with the whole is strong. The word ‘Yoga’ by definition means ‘Union’. So once united with the whole our attention develops the ability to pull and push certain things. 

It does not work as well when one is distracted. So when we meditate a lot, it happens spontaneously. Whatever crosses our heart manifest itself before us with no effort. Like last weekend I was thinking of my American Mommy Ursula and she texted me out of the blue.

 

While we enjoy our thoughtless state everything falls into place. 

 

I hope the ladies from my class are keeping at their meditations. 

 

Women being battered is a serious problem in Turkey. Just yesterday, it was leaked that a famous singer was battered by her boyfriend. She claims that he hit her and as she tried to get away, he dropped her on the floor and hit her head with an ashtray!!!

 

The same man was famous for his loving gaze at this very woman, so I cannot imagine how things got so out of control that he would attack her like that. I am glad that she is making a big deal out of this and I hope that her strength will inspire other women. 

 

These men need to be dealt with; I think they are in fact cowards who prey on those that they assume may be weaker. I have only encountered such people in traffic or on the street. I cannot imagine what it must be to be attacked by someone you love.

 

When I was in junior high, there was this one guy in senior high. He had tried to bully me. At the school bus he threatened to beat me. The bus driver suggested that I tell my parents. 

 

I was so annoyed; I did not sleep through the night. The next morning when we encountered each other at the stairs, he threatened me again. 

 

I lost it and jumped all over him. It was a black out moment. I grabbed his tie, as I was choking him I rushed him to the bottom of the stairs from the top while he was backwards. I don’t know what kind of strength came over me. 

 

Everyone rushed over. He got away from me but I followed him to his class and yelled at him that this is not over. 

 

I was a student at an old Istanbul type of private college. Of course it became a huge deal at school. First of all he was senior to me in age and plus a guy physically threatening a girl was unacceptable. At the principal’s office I said we can deal with this amongst ourselves. 

 

I was a very popular student and mostly in trouble for not obeying the uniform or being a smart alec. My worst crime was that I had to make a fashion statement always. Picking a physical fight was way out of character. 

I still don’t know why he assumed that he could bully someone who was so popular. It was obvious that I was not the type who would scare away easy. I was only fourteen and he was only sixteen. 

 

Anyhow, he had become very polite after that day and I doubt that he bullied anyone else anytime soon. Everyone saw him greeting me kindly the next day and they were saying “Wow, you straightened him out.” 

 

My male friends were very sweet telling me they would have dealt with him if I had told them. Of course they made entering and leaving school uneasy for him for a while: He felt like he had to look over his shoulder and he deserved it. 

In time he even tried to flirt with me.

 

At the time my mom was devastated and decided to send me to therapy. 

Looking back I think dealing with this bully ‘wannabe’ in the most public way was not such a bad choice. I did not need therapy which was also the assessment of the therapist. 

 

Of course what I encountered is nothing compared to what women go through with these aggressive men. However at a very young age I set my stand against bullies and for that I am glad. 

 

I am pleased that the singer also deals with this man in the most public way. It will inspire other women to be strong. I am a firm believer of avoiding situations of aggression, so I would do everything possible to avoid a fight, however the last two decades Turkey has fallen too much under Arab influence and men have become more and more aggressive. Being a pro-Ataturk secular woman I stand in solidarity with all women being oppressed in anyway by men. Whether it is sharing a Sahaja Yoga Class with battered women or just supporting the stand of a battered strong woman, I try to support this cause as best as I can…

 

Just Enjoy

Last week I was feeling a bit off, so I remedied the situation by meditating even more than usual. It felt amazing. I just dropped all thoughts and enjoyed the vibrations. Initially when thoughts were coming I tried to remind myself of my mood in the Himalayas. The total bliss, the ability to get immense satisfaction from a sip of chai or just the fresh air. That light sensation where all I can feel is inner peace and a heightened sense of security is amazing.

The same way, I was thinking of the time that I used to live in an ashram in San Francisco. I was learning so much. It was an interesting phase in my life. Before I moved into the ashram, I had been practicing Sahaja Yoga for a year only but I was already doing a lot of volunteer work. I did enjoy the meditations but I was very skeptical and questioned everything.

When I was with the Sahaja Yogis in Turkey, they asked me if I would translate the videos of Shri Mataji’s speeches. I said of course and ended up not only listening but also really learning what She was talking about, as I was translating the speeches.

I recall long time yogis of Istanbul were telling me, to be like this, like that which goes against my nature. I had always been a little rebellious against authority.

So I told them off by saying; “Listen, I am not going to fake anything, I will not react when I do not feel a reaction anymore but unless and until I’m really there, I won’t pretend to be at a point for the sake of appearances.”

 

I could not care less what they thought of me, but I liked what I was hearing in the speeches of Shri Mataji that I was translating. It all made sense. She was talking about, joy, love, dignity, sharing, caring for others and the world.

I recall one video that I was watching was about the cool breeze on top of the head, the Kundalini manifesting as a cool breeze. I could feel vibrations on my fingertips but there was no cool breeze on top of my head and I wondered when I would feel it or why I did not feel it. Later, I realized that not many people got to feel it.

Anyhow, Shri Mataji came to Istanbul when I had been a yogini for a year only. Sahaja Yogis from all over the world came to Istanbul for the occasion. It was festive.

I went to the hotel where Shri Mataji was staying since my mom was there and had asked me to bring something.

As I was at the lobby I saw this tall Indian man and the way he looked at me, I was sure he could read my thoughts. I felt a childlike feeling but also a tad uneasy as if my thoughts were exposed. I smiled politely and got into the elevator. Once I was upstairs it was crowded and I was chatting with people. A while later my mom called me into another room to introduce me to a very deep yogi. It was the man that I had seen downstairs.

He immediately said “Ah so this is your daughter.” smiled and gave me a small present. I was a bit shy; little did I know that he would be a father figure for me later on in my life. He was someone that intimidated many yogis with his status and depth. He was very sweet with me though and said “She should live in the ashram when she returns to San Francisco. My good friend Ursula doesn’t not have a child so Banu can be like a daughter to her.” This was my first encounter with my dear Yogiji Uncle whose mere presence makes life a better place.

So my ashram journey was set into motion on that day. I did not realize what a privilege it was, that only yogis at a certain level of depth were accepted into ashram life. I had only been a yogini for a year. So when I moved into the ashram some American yogis were asking me how this is done, how that is done. I would respond to my best abilities, although did not understand why they would ask me, I was a new yogini myself.

Being the bookworm that I was I read all the books in regards to Sahaja Yoga but also the Indian Vedas and such. Ursula soon became my American mommy, we got along really well and I could not get enough of our delightful chats. She helped me grow as a yogini.

There was one auntie called Babette who was Ursula’s best friend and also very sweet. She had this store of Indian pottery and the shop belonged to Shri Mataji. The aim was to sell the pottery that came from the poor areas of India and raise funds for the villagers. Indian standards and American standards are different so Babette was telling that she was having a hard time selling the pottery, so I volunteered to help her until school started.

The store was in Berkeley and it had beautiful vibrations. As I was sitting there it was the first time that I felt the windy cool breeze of vibrations on top of my head, finally! It was such an amazing feeling I loved it. That day I came back to the ashram and told Ursula, “If I could always feel that way I would not need all the other things that one needs to be happy.”

She said that is the very essence of Sahaja Yoga; that is what people should understand. The pure joy makes one need nothing more.

Since then, I have felt that breeze throughout my life and as I was feeling it this weekend, I recalled the ashram phase of my life.

(Ursula and some other yogis enjoying the cakes that we baked with Ursula ❤️)

(My dear Yogi brother Majo playing is live music at the ashram)

(Of course the ashram’s dog Bear chose my room to come into ❤️)

On the first day that I volunteered, as soon as I had come to the store some guy walked in, and as he was holding some pottery, I said “Buy it”

He said “Ok” and made the purchase. Babette was amazed, she retold the story as “she just told him ‘Buy it’ and he did as she said.” From then on we were selling the items. It was for a good cause so I was happy.

This week we had a pop up store event for charity and I had a similar experience. One of the charities that I try to support had a table with inexpensive but cute goods where the aim is to raise funds to battle poverty and waste. Anyhow because I was busy with many tasks I could not sit with them right away and they were a little disappointed that only one item had been sold all day.

So when I had the chance I sat with them and immediately someone came and I told her she should buy something, it is for a good cause. She said Ok and bought something and a few minutes later someone else came and bought multiple items, from then on the ‘sitting with no sale’ situation had ended even if it was not much things were moving, joy and laughs had arrived.

After having remembered my ashram times over the weekend, having a similar experience while trying help someone who is selling items for a good cause was sweet.

Going back to my ashram story, once I knew everyone very well, I asked them “Why do people ask me about the depths of Sahaja Yoga? I am a new yogini myself.”

Babette smiled brightly and said “because you were sent by Yogi Mahajan, we figured you must be really special.” I laughed and said “No, I am not, it’s just me” so we all laughed.

However, just like he would let his daughter work on him in India, I was the only person that he would allow to work on him vibrationaly when he came to the ashram in San Francisco even though other yogis were eager to work on him, he would say “No, no call her.” and I would come down from my room, that meant something to the yogis.

(My Dear Yogiji Uncle)

I was very lucky to be around all these deep yogis who were helping me understand things.

I learned how to fight negative situations, feelings but I also learned that sometimes we have to witness and accept. What I learned, came in very handy at later stages of my life.

I recall one occasion where I was having an unpleasant business conversation with someone and I was accompanied by one of our employees. The man’s attitude was a little insulting and our employee wanted to punch him for the way he was talking to me.

I just made a hand gesture as in “calm down.” I talked to the idiot whose face I would not recognize if I saw him on the street right now and I walked out of there rather calm and unaffected. The issue was resolved.

Our employee was angry and said “why would you not let me punch him?” I told him “For what? He is a miserable human being who passes through my life for a moment which is over now, whereas he has to live with himself and his nasty personality all his life, while I go back to my jolly life. That is worse than any punch. Just let it go.” 

This relaxed him too.

There it was. A situation where I did not react because I was not affected, not because yogis are meant to act like this or that as I was suggested by this lady when I initially started Sahaja Yoga, but because I did not feel a reaction.

Ironically, a couple years later when I was in Istanbul, we were in a situation with the same lady who was telling me not to react etc when I first started Sahaja Yoga.

A thief had walked into the Sahaja Yoga center in Nişantaşı (one of the nicer areas of town) which is open to everyone and stole our purses. She was yelling all over the place. “Oh my God! How could this happen?”  The minute her purse was stolen she questioned the whole Sahaja Yoga philosophy.

I was calm and gave realization to the police at the station where we filed a report because I assumed that someone should be needing our positive vibrations which must be why we ended up there.

My purse was returned to me in full the next day except for my phone and cash. Getting back the purse itself, contents of my makeup bag and my sunglasses pleased me a lot. The only missing precious item was my mantra book and when I told the police it had sentimental value for me, they found it and told me where to pick it up the next day.

The lady who lost all her faith in everything positive as soon as her purse was gone is a good example for why we have to become what we believe in, instead of pretending. 

 

Of course, I still feel reactions sometimes and I am still true to myself, sometimes even a drama queen but I have always felt very calm in the face of real crises and for that I have to thank my Sahaja Yoga practice.

After having a bit of an off week last week, my weekend of a lot of meditation has resulted in a positive week. Interestingly on the weekend, Ursula my American mommy to whom I had not spoken in almost a year sent me a text asking me how I am and telling me that she sent me bhandans (positive vibrations). So to this day we are connected on a spiritual level and she will sense me all the way from San Francisco even if we have not spoken in so long.

Also a girl to whom I have been giving Sahaja Yoga lessons called me today and told me that she had continued her meditations at home and felt certain chakras and wants to continue our classes, which pleased me. The fact that she meditates at home shows progress.

Some other people want to mediate with me as well, so I may start some group classes soon. Last week I was annoyed with one of my charities over the fact that they disregarded grammatical errors on printed material which I was pointing out. This week I saw that they corrected it. That pleased me too.

So I focused on my mediations and my ability to feel bliss and the little annoyances that I had the week before, worked themselves out just like that and this turned out to be a joyful week.

All order was restored while I was merely meditating and that is how we let go and just let the universe take over. It also works with things that we find bigger…

Venus Retro!

We were meeting for tea that day. I had just come out of my dentist and I was going back in an hour. She kept asking me why don’t you go to him, he is also a dentist. I tried to evade the question but she was persistent. 

 

She said,“He is my mom’s dentist; he is really good why don’t you go to him?”

 

I took a sip from my tea and told her, 

 

“He is my ex, so I don’t want to go to him.”

 

She was surprised, and said ”Really?”

 

She kept grilling me on why I broke up with him. So I told her it was not working, we had tried to be together on and off for 15 years eventually he had this idea that we should be married but it was just not working.

 

She was not satisfied with this answer and kept grilling me. 

 

“What is wrong with him?”

 

My ex is a very good looking man but also very humble in his demeanor and very polite which attracted me to him in the first place.

I recall when we were first seeing each other my step dad saw him for a moment from afar and told me afterwards “Wow! That is some good looking guy.” My girlfriends would react in similar ways. He however would act completely unaware of himself. 

 

He is a good person at heart so I was not going to bad mouth him, we were, actually still are on amicable terms. It just was not working. I had realized that I could not see myself spending the rest of my life with him, so I walked away. 

 

She then told me that she had a date set up with him the next day or something. He was going to take her to Su Ada etc. 

Low blow, not to tell me right away but I did not mind. I encouraged her. She told me that her mom admired him, thus set up this date. 

 

So she insisted again, what was wrong with him. 

 

I had a flashback of a day that he was at his practice and I had spent the day with his mom and aunts and cousins, all the ladies of his family calling me the bride. His Mom said “I could tell you were in his life from his joy. Whenever you are around he smiles a lot, you make him cheerful.” I was flattered but in the long run he was making me not smile anymore. 

 I did not go into details so much instead I told her, she and I  are completely different people  so just because it had not worked out for me does not mean they will not work out. Plus he is a great guy, she should go and enjoy. 

 

She asked me for tips.

 

Really?!? 

 

I said “Just be yourself.” This is my advice for any and every occasion.

 

Anyway shortly after this conversation she deleted me from facebook and suddenly stopped being my friend. 

 

Over a date? with my ex, despite of the fact I acted really cool about it. 

 

A few months went by I had completely forgotten about this occasion and my ex called me as he would from time to time. He insisted on visiting me. I said OK. He said he missed me and wanted to get back with me. I told him that the “on and off phase” is over. 

 I said “We cannot do this anymore. You are my friend now; from now on all you can be to me is like a brother.” 

 

He laughed, “Come again?” was his response. 

 

I told him, that I was way too sentimental for him; he should be with a Russian girl or something. He was a little offended but I argued my point. 

 

I had completely forgotten about my girlfriend so it never occurred to me to ask about her. It appeared that she had stopped being my friend over one dinner date with someone who will always care for me and respect me. 

 

Anyhow, a while after the visit of my ex, one of our common friends was getting married and I went to the wedding with a friend who always used to accompany me anywhere when I am not seeing anyone. At the table, it was me, my friend, a Russian girl and my Ex:)))

 

So he did take my advice after all!  

 

Of course the friend who was accompanying me and my ex knew each other from back when we were together, so they were having good laughs and jokes. Next to me were an actor and his wife. 

 

Anyhow my ex kept asking me to take a photo of him and his Russian date. I took one photo; he kept asking me to take another one and another one, which I did. 

 

After a while I said, “why me? Let someone else take the photos. “

 

The actor said you should take the photo so I whispered “He is my ex.”

 

I was hoping that this would make him take the photos. He got a kick out of it and laughed and insisted that I should take another photo and my friend that I came with joined them too.

 

 I don’t know what kind of weird men code that was but while they were teasing me and enjoying, I did not get mad but I decided to stop it because I thought it was also disrespectful to the girl he came with, so I said “You are my ex, can we have some distance?” I said it laughing and in a joyful manner. 

 

There he had his golden come back.

 

“Why Banu, we are like brother and sister right?” 

 

Grrr

 

Of course he had to rub it in my face😀

 

After a while I went dancing and simply let him be. It was a delightful night full of joy. Naturally he came dancing as well and simply ditched the Russian girl all by herself. 

 

Not cool, so I went to cheer her up a little, being the joy of the party that I was. She smiled. 

 

(Me and my good friend, and some other friends at the wedding)

Anyhow why did I suddenly remember all this? The girl who stopped being my friend over a date with my ex was the girl that I had bumped into this week at a function and she questioned why I was nice to her as I kept giving her things out of my purse to comfort her. 

 

A few years had gone by and once we reconnected I enjoyed her company again. I had completely forgotten that she stopped being my friend over a date with my ex. She probably did not forget it.

 

When we reconnected she introduced me to her father who is a doctor because I am the distributor of a cancer test. Nothing came out of it but her introduction of me to her father was so sweet that it touched me. 

 

She introduced me portraying me as this amazing person. 

 

I had no idea that she had such a positive opinion of me. I thought it was very sweet of her. 

 

Like I said, nothing came out of that meeting but we started hanging out more and the past occasions never crossed my mind. A lot of women would remember a girlfriend stopping to be their friend in pursuit of their ex love. 

I like it that I get to be the person who can completely forget about such things, until some odd behavior reminded me. 

 

Does it matter? Not at all, but it is an interesting memory to share….

 

 

I wrote a blog on my birthday and I cannot stop ever since, it’s weird. 

They say the planet Venus is in retro. That is my planet, maybe that is why memories keep coming…

Also, I guess I missed writing. I miss filming too…