Reversing!

What a year! Corona has been taking the world hostage. The restrictions, the anxiety of catching a deadly virus or transmitting it to a loved one, the financial issues caused by the restrictions.

Putting the world’s turmoil aside, for me it has been a year of resolving issues.

I was unwell between the years 2014-2019 and by 2020 I felt like I was getting my life back. My condition was restricting my life and each mile stone, each occasion where a previous restriction felt lifted was such a celebratory event for me.

Taking a vacation, I was able to swim and enjoy it. After years, I was able to enjoy a simple massage. During the years that I was unwell, one day I was having a massage at my usual spa and somehow it triggered the shortness of breath reaction that I was suffering from. I made the lady stop and rushed home feeling horrible. This was supposed to be a good experience how could it be so dreadful. Anyway, for years I avoided the spa until this summer where I loved every moment of a delightful massage while on vacation in Antalya.

I have started running on the treadmill again the way I used to. During my unwell times, each time I tried I used to run out of breath so terribly that I would leave the gym with calming teas, a hot water bottle on my lap, agonizing in traffic trying to breath and counting minutes to get home. The anxiety was overwhelming but because it was my life back then I kept trying to go the gym and work out, despite of the horrible experience each time.

Looking back, my tenacity surprises me. Why did I not simply quit?

I guess, I was desperately trying to reach back to my normal life. For five years…

Anyway, now it is all behind me, mostly a vague memory. Ironically when the world feels more restricted, I feel more liberated.

No more extreme lethargy, no more sudden inability to leave the house. No more feeling extreme anxiety and shortness of breath while driving, no more waking up in the middle of the night gasping for air, no more emergency pack preparations for when I get sick while I’m out of the house, no more sudden inability to speak during a meeting because of the feeling out of air.

I never knew when it would hit me so even though I insisted on living my life the usual, it was very difficult.

Last summer, I had to go to the dentist and it took a few trips to get decayed tooth fixed.

It was such an agonizing experience. While the dentist was working on my tooth, I was trying to swallow because that feeling was triggered and I could not, I was running out of breath, so I would need to stop the dentist sit up catch my breath and let him continue. It was embarrassing and extremely uncomfortable for me. Since it was so uncomfortable, I was becoming anxious on my way to the dentist. I was preparing a hot water bottle to be on my lap or on my back where the center heart chakra is, it was helping me. I was taking so many pills for relief and having herbal teas and things like cumin seeds and fennel seeds in my emergency kit. Always a spare bottle of hot water in the car in case I get worse.

So, after my dental work was completed, something fell off from one of my teeth which was made years ago. Turns out it was another tooth that needed work.

“Oh my God not again!” was my feeling. Since I did not know how to cope I decided to call my ex-boyfriend who is also a dentist. I told him that my anxiety issues make dental work agonizing asked if he could help me.

He said “Sure sweetie, come over.”

I explained to him that I cannot breathe and feel embarrassed stopping the dentist while he is working and not trying to stop him makes the anxiety worse. I figured it would be less embarrassing when it is someone I know.

So he checked it out and told me that another dentist that comes to his practice does work like root canal etc. while he only does the fancy stuff like implants, etc.

So, he said let’s set a date and she shall do it.

I explained to him that I can’t when it is someone that I don’t know.

Anyway, he did not really get it. He told me “You’re a yogini, you sooth others, how can you have anxiety?”

We have known each other since we were fifteen and he had not seen me during my unwell years. I understand that he could not imagine me to be as vulnerable as I was feeling at the time.

Anyway, I told him if a stranger will do it, I’ll go to my previous dentist.

I went to my regular dentist put something temporary but it was so uncomfortable that I never went back to get the actual work done.

A year went by and the decay got worse so I went to my exes practice. He took a film, asked me to come the next day checked everything and gave me an appointment for the actual day, for the work to be done. The lady was going to do it which was fine, I could not postpone anymore. I had to go through with it.

The anxiety which has become a memory, sort of teased me.

I was dreading the idea of that chair and the inability to properly breath while work being done.

So, after postponing the appointment once, I went yesterday.

I had my herbal tea with me and my hot water bottle just like old times. I had mantras on, with my earplugs.

He was working on a patient when I arrived. I was listening to mantras. He took me to the dreaded chair, reassured me that it was going to be ok. He sprayed something put a needle etc. It was so quick. Then he asked me to wait for 15 minutes for the medicine to kick in.

When I sat in the chair for actual work, he held my shoulder and reassured me that I could stop him any moment that I feel uncomfortable. He thought I was scared of pain and said I’ve numbed it so well you won’t feel a thing. I told him, the pain I can endure, it’s the inability to breath that scares me. He said “I remember in the Taksim house, sometimes you would take deep breaths to regulate yourself.” This was at least 15 years ago. He was right, it was not a problem then but clearly an indication. So, he went on with the work and I did not feel the slightest bit of discomfort.

Unbelievable!

The phobia of dental work which I had developed recently vanished just like that.

My breathing was fine, everything was fine.

Just like the old times. I once fell asleep while the dentist was working on my teeth that was my level of comfort prior to my unwell years.

So, it was the same level of comfort and I felt so grateful to my ex for having fixed not only my teeth but the issue. I don’t know why he changed his mind and decided to fix my teeth himself but I am glad that he did.

Breathing problems derive from right heart catches which is the chakra blocked when we have issues with the father or the husband. Mine came from my broken relation with my father and I developed the severe issues after he passed.

When I was in India yogis told me that I had to forgive my father for the problem to be resolved. I thought that I had forgiven him, until I really had. Also, when I did forgive him, the reason of my breathing issues was finally detected and I got cured through some medicines and treatment given to me by my dear healer.

My broken relationship with my father had kept me from ever trusting a man to help me out resolve any problem that I ever encountered in life. Despite of the men in my life, this was a foreign concept to me. I have strong female figures in my life starting with my mother, so when there is a situation, I’d try to resolve it myself, or seek help from strong female figures.

So, it’s normal that my ex had a hard time imagining me to be as vulnerable as I was feeling.

Until yesterday, I had to visit him twice to so he could see what was going to be done. He was all over me both times. Since that is how he has always been with me, I did not read much into it. We’ve known each other forever.

It was a bit odd though. There I was terrified about dental work and he was simply grabbing me by the waist pulling into his chest the way it was ok back when.

It was taking my mind off the pressure and chatting away felt good too.

However, I also had hardly seen him since we broke up ages ago so flashbacks kept popping in my head.

I remember when he initially tried to be with me.

He is the best friend of a male best friend of mine. So our paths would cross all the time. Since he was a flirty guy in general, I was not taking his moves towards me serious.

I was at a party with co-workers and invited my friend. They came together. All the girls were asking me about him. He was always very good looking, turning heads type of good looking.

This was a Greek music tavern type of popular venue. I was dancing away having fun and introduced him to all the girls that were asking about him and went away socializing with everyone.

As I was going towards the ladies’ room he was there as well, I was tipsy, laughed and told him the girls are really into him, he should have a great time.

He grabbed me by the arm pinned me to the wall and told me, “I don’t care about them, it is you that I am into and kissed me.”

Like a seen from a movie.

We had many passionate moments in our past some of which kept flashing in my head when I first saw him after so many years. It was probably triggered because he still has the same grabbing me from the waist and pulling me into his chest attitude.

However yesterday, he was not an ex but a good friend which is exactly what I needed.

It seems my right heart chakra issues and the effect of the blockage have been resolved and I am delighted that my ex love has become such a good friend in the matter without even knowing it.

2020 has been good for reversing the negative issues that even tarnished my health, I hope 2021 will be all about joy for everyone.

Just Breath and Smile:)

After a very slow spring of quarantine days, life has picked up its pace again.

Last weekend, I was on vacation and it felt like Corona days are over. Of course, we were still being careful, not going into crowds but it was nice to swim in the sea.

Last summer, I had a lot of vacations with my family and friends. However, my health was still in recovery stage so when I was swimming I had to return due to shortness of breath and then deal with the situation a bit more.

So this year, to feel just normal was an answer to my prayers of many years.

Watching any movie, there were two things that I envied most. The ability to just go somewhere, because I could not, it was a process and the tiny bags. Due to my condition, I always had to carry an emergency kit with me and needed it too. In it were various items of relief that I had discovered over the years such as; a small bottle of white vinegar, a tiny jar of fennel seeds, a variety of normal medication in a small bag, a small hot water bottle was an absolute must, baking soda..etc.

To have a functioning day, I needed all those things to be with me and used them too…

Anyway, thank God that is not the case anymore. Before I had gotten unwell, I used to be the kind of person who did not have an aspirin in the house.

Anyhow, this Thursday I was out for a business meeting and I had this terrible headache and since I don’t carry a bag of medicine with me anymore, it went on for as long it went on.

I loved it.

Not needing an emergency kit is wonderful and I am so grateful.

In the meantime, I have been working on my chakras a lot as I always do. While I was unwell, it was my second chakra that was caught up the most and I vigorously worked on it, eventually my cure found me.

 

That chakra seems to be doing better. When this chakra is caught up, it causes anxiety which I had developed. The positive quality of the same chakra is creativity. So, doing artsy things also helps the chakra.

 

Anyway, my unwell state had gone on for a long time. I was unwell for 5 years.

I am the kind of person who has long lasting friendships.

So many of my friends know me from before I was unwell. However that constant vulnerable state takes away the ability to deal with other stuff too.

So, during the time that I was unwell, I had let some behavior slide that I probably would not have before.

So, as I am healing my agnya chakra got caught up on the left. Agnya is about forgiving and the left is the superego which means conditionings and the past.

 

Forgiving used to come so easy to me but  spiritual journey throws challenges our way and as they come we are tested. So, it took me a while to face that I am not as forgiving as I used to be, especially towards myself.

The left side catches up when you do not forgive yourself or are too conditioned.

Hmm…

That is a new one…

But, doing the introspection while working on my chakras vibrationally, I started seeing my conditionings. I may not have a full grasp of all of them but I have started to see them.

 

My unwell state had induced breathing problems in the past which are mostly cured now, however proper breathing exercises would help even more.

So last week when I was on vacation part of our group of friends were in a breathing exercise group, doing detox etc. together. One of the major exercises was called re-birth. Some form of breathing exercise again, but what they called it went against my conditionings.

Being a Sahaja Yogini, I made sure to not mix other practices and keep my chakras pure of that all my life. After all my Sahaja Yoga knowledge is very deep and I know so many techniques.

 

However, this time I decided to go against my conditionings. To challenge my back Agnya situation I needed to get out of my comfort zone. Trying something new against my conditionings.

Breathing is pranas in Sahaja Yoga the breath of life. It helps the center heart chakra.

 

So doing this exercise under another form did actually help. I came across a tad difficult to deal with for the lovely instructor.

 

Looking at me even while I was going through it most people could not tell what I dealt with when it comes to breathing problems. So, when we were starting as a form of exercise I had to have a clutch on my nose and really open the lungs by breathing from the mouth, face down. The first try I coughed so hard that I told her, I will give it one more try and if it doesn’t work I won’t push. She was a bit frustrated and insisted I keep at it.

Later on, I told her that this is my method for every exercise, when I get on the treadmill I tell myself at least run for 5 minutes then I end up running for 45 minutes.

 

Anyhow, upon my return I was on the treadmill for 45 minutes with no problem so the breathing exercise had really helped.

 

While trying to motivate me, the instructor judged me by saying how can a yogi have breathing problems. Later on, she gave me a big hug and told me she said that just to get me going. I must say that I really like her. She also told me that I am so good at expressing the experience that she would love it if I made a video. I have not had a chance to do that just yet.

 

This may not be the case with her but most people do not understand that being a yogi is to be on a spiritual journey to correct and improve ourselves. So, along the way, we are supposed to clear our chakras and some catches that we may have brought into this life time from other life times.

When I was in India I was told that this is what I do right. Most yogis do not take the time to address their own catches and try to clear them out but instead meditate in general.

 

I however, am very humble in this aspect and carefully pay attention to my chakras as if I started Sahaja Yoga last week. The truth is that I actually have been told that I am special by Shri Mataji herself when I was introduced to Her during my college days. She said about me that I am very loving and innocent and that such love and innocence is rare in this day and age.

Most yogis look at other people’s chakras and catches instead of their own which is against the core of the practice.

Anyhow, I feel very blessed to have this gift with me through life. As to forgiveness, I am working on it. Aside from working on my chakra when something negative (a person or a thought) tries to pull me in, I just remind myself to witness and be happy for all the good things. Americans have a saying “Misery seeks company.” This is very true, dissatisfied, miserable people, who lack inner peace, have a tendency to attack others, as their calm state of mind offends them. They feed on chaos. I’ve recently discovered that detaching from the situation instead of trying to reason with such people helps. They provoke to get a reaction because they are not at peace with themselves. Who they attack may change, so one should not take it personally or try to make sense out of it.

 

The best thing to do is to let it slide off and not read too much into it. Everyone has their own spiritual journey and the ability to actually feel joy is a gift. Those who can’t feel joy, need to work on themselves as this is not something anyone other than themselves can fix. It does not matter how many self-help groups one attends to, unless they face themselves, it won’t work.

 

In Sahaja Yoga bliss is a gift that is given from day one.

So for an awakened kundalini this is actually very easy. All you need to do is to ask for joy during mediation and as the Kundalini rises child-like joy comes immediately. I’ve seen it so many times during classes, the least expected serious person, completing the class with child-like giggles and bright eyes. However constant anger and the insistence on holding on to negative thoughts, won’t let the Kundalini pass through the cloud of thoughts and that would prevent joy from taking over.

 

So when negative feelings take over, don’t let them…just take a breath of fresh air and let it go. We deserve to be happy without any but this but that…just joy like children…

Power of Love Triggers Miracles

The meaning of life. Everyone had plenty of time to question it all during the pandemic and so have I at times. Today however something happened that put everything into place in my head.

I am a yogini and have been so since college. I don’t even remember what it was like to not be a yogini. People often ask me what changes in their lives and I tell them about the small miracles that take place once the Kundalini awakens. 

This is true for beginners, however the change it creates for those like me, who have been at it for most of their lives is sometimes a bit difficult to explain. 

Not only that but existing in the value system of non-spiritual ordinary people can also get tricky and the definition of success versus failure may become blurry at times when it comes to worldly achievements. 

Anyway, being a long-time yogi means to have special powers. The power to change something with the attention. 

When you live with this ability for so long it becomes almost less significant that one forgets about their own super power. 

A few days ago, I came across some news on Twitter that there was going to be a tender on the 20^th of July to grand permission to tourists to hunt 18 Reindeers in Eskişehir.

This broke my heart and I could not get the unsuspecting poor Reindeers out of my head. There was nothing I could do about it.

Then suddenly it hit me, but I could!

I have the power of love that can in fact create small miracles that change the course of things for the benevolence of the world. It sounds like mumbo-jumbo when told to a non-yogi but energy does exist and something concrete happens when its channeled.

So, I decided not to give up on the Reindeers and send all the love in my heart towards the desire for the tender to be stopped. I also asked for collective help and sent the situation to the attention of yogis around the world. They started sending energy and love as well.

Last night, I woke up from my sleep thinking of them and I prayed with all my attention and love for their innocent lives to be spared in any way possible.

Today is the 20^Th of July. The day of the tender. I kept the subject in my attention again through the day. However, I had surrendered it to the Divine as well. 

Just an hour ago, I read a tweet that the tender got cancelled and the 18 Reindeers are saved for now. 

I was so overjoyed, I started dancing in the house while spoiling my doggies with celebratory cookies. 

More attention is needed for the subject to be resolved for the rest of the wild animals under threat of being hunted but I’m happy for today’s win. 

Coming back to the question of the meaning of life. Lately, it felt a bit empty in some ways. I sometimes forget who I am and the abilities that I have developed from practicing Sahaja Yoga through most my life. 

So, while feeling desperately sad over the Reindeers to remember that I can actually trigger a small miracle and it can save them was great. To see that it worked was even better. 

Then again nothing is a coincidence, we all have our tasks sent our way.

We just don’t live like the Indian American Tribes and mostly lost that connection as mankind.

Roll the tape back to a few months ago, the midst of the pandemic, everyone was hiding at home, ordering everything online and I ordered some books online like everyone else. 

So, I was chatting with a girlfriend about what we were reading. I told her it’s called “Dukhas the Reindeer Turks.” (in Turkish of course)

This did not sound like the latest best-selling thriller, so she asked me what it was about.

I explained to her that it was about nomadic Dukha Turks of today, who are still Shamans and their wonderful relation with nature and their best companions the Reindeers. It’s written by an anthropologist.

She asked me “How did you pick this online?” I said, “I don’t know, I was browsing and it grabbed my attention.” 

So, during the period that everyone was excited over the awakening of nature while humans were hiding to save their lives, it was nice to read about Turkic tribes and their ongoing relation with nature and the Reindeers that entails a lot of respect for them. 

Pre-Islam Turks were shamans. Shamans immensely respect nature and animals. Some Turkic tribes are still Shamans like the Dukha tribe that the book was about. 

Anyway, I don’t believe in coincidences. 

Somehow, I was meant to tune into the Reindeers and connect with them. On a vibrational level they called out to me and to all the other people who could not stand the idea of the Reindeers to be killed for someone’s twisted idea of enjoyment. 

We all heard them in our own way, as we are one with nature more than we know. 

Then our collective love and attention somehow caused the bidding to be cancelled. 

That is the power of love and we are supposed to apply it to all similar causes to make the world a better place. 

The tricky thing though is that the existence of this power seems questionable to the ordinary folk except when they watch an Avatar movie or something. 

Pure desire only works when you have a pure heart and when you don’t doubt yourself. 

So today I am overjoyed that the 18 Reindeers over which I had been losing sleep seem saved for now. I am also happy to remember my strength and ability to trigger something to cause small miracles. 

Throughout the pandemic, I have been drawn to astrologists because their forecast had been spot on lately. At the same time their predictions have been extremely negative and I found myself wondering what they will predict next. 

Anyway, this morning one famous astrologist was doing an Instagram live stream and he was taking questions at the end of it. I found myself asking about the Reindeers lives because that was on my attention. He did not respond so I kept sending the same question. He answered things about how you should treat your hair when such and such planets are at such and such angle.

Really? 

Who asks that anyway. I don’t know, clearly people do. 

Anyway, when the stream was over, I found myself thinking “What are you doing? If you are curious about something put your attention and the response comes to you, why are you asking this guy?” 

So, I will probably stop following these astrologists because they feed on negative predictions and creating anxiety in people that it will get worse even though it may not be as bad for many. 

I will keep sending my love and vibrations for the wild life to be saved from hunters in Turkey. 

Last but not least, I will try to be more aware of my abilities of changing negative to positive instead of looking at those who make a living from negative predictions and scaring people. 

But most of all I’ve decided to enjoy, not worry about the small stuff and feel confidence in the future while enjoying the present.

2020 Kicking, Calming or Both?

2020 came on really strong. The world has come to a halt literally, followed by protests and various reactions to various forms of injustice.

This is the year of big changes they say. I can see it in the world. Everybody is displeased to be pushed out of their comfort zone yet the world needed fixing and now it’s happening.

Change was one of my new year’s resolutions. I had decided to leave some people and attitudes towards life in the last decade. It happened spontaneously and so far, I am content with the changes in myself.

I had been physically unwell from 2014 to 2019. So ironically during the phase that the world got sick dealing with a pandemic, I healed.

The confidence that returns with feeling healthier is amazing. The joy, that comes with it, is even better.

My nature is somehow soft in the sense that I don’t like fights. I despise them actually.

However, I live in a very aggressive culture. So the politeness is read as weakness at times.

So, every now and then when I lose it, people get confused.

This happened to me during the quarantine days. I was walking my dogs and there were “do not enter” police tapes closing the road by the main waterbody, so we had to walk from a narrow place, again by the water. Dogs can fall too when they are distracted with something else, so I was making sure that we would remain on the barrier side when we were passing by people.

I came across one woman who made a big fuss because we waited for her to pass. On our return we crossed paths with her again. She physically pushed me while I was with two dogs. My dogs are used to me being the alfa figure in a fight situation amongst themselves and I have huge Kangals. So, they did not react to the woman probably assuming that I got it handled.

She told me that she will sneeze in my face, then pushed me while blocking my way.

Given the pandemic that is supposed to be a big threat.

I lost it!

I took off my mask, leaned into her face, blew in her face and told her “that is how you do it” and then I literally kicked her ass for trying to keep pushing me.

I don’t know where that physical reaction came from I guess because I am used to jumping in between very powerful dogs and separating their fights, I have more reflexes than I am aware of.

I don’t feel bad for the way I acted because it was in self-defense after all, crazies do exist and sometimes our paths cross. (No, I did not get or transmit any virus)

This week I was in another weird situation.

I was driving through one of the narrow streets of my neighborhood where 2 cars cannot pass. A truck was driving towards me so I signaled for a left turn. If he stopped I would turn and he would comfortably use my lane. Also, I was on the right side of the lane. Anyhow he speeded up, to block me in, then asked me to drive the whole alley backwards.

I refused and we got into a stopping the car contest. However, immediately a man from behind me yelled at the truck. He said “You are wrong! I saw you, speeding up to block her in, pull your truck out.”

The truck driver refused they started yelling, as they got out of their cars to fight, I cried out,

STOP!

I said;

“Are you going to fight over the road.

Really?

Don’t!

It’s not worth it.

I will pull back.”

So even though I was right, I backed down to avoid two men fighting, one who was there to defend me, younger than the truck driver who blocked me in.

I did not want anyone to get hurt and had compassion for the truck driver even though he was wrong, because the other guy looked like he worked out a lot and could clearly take him.

Anyway, the situation got diffused immediately after I yelled “stop, it’s just a road” and oddly the truck driver relaxed and smiled too. Suddenly they snapped out of it and some positive vibe took over.

This was more like me; my presence usually calms situations as opposed to escalating them. As I was driving away, I thanked the guy who defended me with a kind nod.

On my way home, I found myself questioning things though.

My nature is compassionate and in a heated moment I preferred to give up my stand even though I was right. So, the truck driver got his way after all because I backed out as I did not want a fight over something so stupid.

So, from a symbolic standpoint I was questioning the act of backing down, although I was right.

That night at my online meditation group, we listened to an old speech from Shri Mataji, my Guru.

She speaks about how we should be about love and our love should stop wars and fights in the world, how the love we spread out should have calming effects.

It made me feel very well because that was exactly what happened during the traffic incident. On the other hand with the woman that physically blocked my way and pushed me in the narrow alley one side being the sea, while telling me that she will sneeze in my face during a Corona Pandemic, I am OK with having kicked her ass.

She clearly was crazy and did not give me much choice to walk away from the situation.

As a new year’s resolution entering this decade, I had decided to head on confront situations. During the period that I was not healthy the physical vulnerability made me avoid confronting situations in general. Kind of like cats or dogs hiding when they are wounded.

So, I used to let people get away with stuff because I just could not deal with it. Now that I feel like my old self, it feels amazing.

I get to be my joyful self, laughing at silly stuff, joking about myself etc. but at the same time I got my snappy side back when it comes down to it.

One of the reasons it came so easy to me to leave some people in the last decade, just like that is because of the way they interacted with me during my more vulnerable years I think.

My supposed best girlfriend did not bring me a natural medicine that was unavailable in Turkey, that I would buy for myself when I travel.

I had run out and asked if she could bring it from abroad. Activated Carbon, something so easy. She traveled abroad 3 times a month sometimes and every time she did not bring it because she did not have time.

What kind of best friend is that…?

Anyway, this new decade I find myself surrounded with old and new friends that are real! It’s nice.

2020 is a roller coaster but I am hoping that it will highlight love for all, because as we were all hiding in our homes, the importance of humanitarian values such as love and art, (which is love pouring out of the artist) became so visible for everyone.

It is half way over and I strongly desire for the second half to be easier for the world but they keep predicting otherwise. All we can do is hold on to positive things in our lives and observe the rest unfold….

Not being Manly!

Yesterday I was at a panel for Women’s Day. Women Diplomats in leadership positions were talking about their experiences.

The Danish Ambassador said women should be allowed to be like women. I think this was what I agreed on most.

It reminded me of a blog I wrote in 2010. https://wordpress.com/post/shakti108.wordpress.com/1578

As a yogini in my earlier days in the business world looking at bossy but also mean senior ladies, I found myself praying that I don’t turn into that someday while trying to survive in the business environment.

My prayers were heard I think, I never became that bitchy harsh person.

This is the dilemma of women in the work force. In order to earn the respect of men, they develop certain mail attributes. Men are not necessarily harsh but women become harsh because getting there is much more difficult.

So, by the year 2020, I am glad that inspirational women are raising the issue that women should be comfortable with being like women. The set of qualities that come with being a woman are very valuable and we don’t have to be like men.

Younger generations will grow up knowing that it is OK to have softer sides while the female intuition is also an asset that men may be lacking. So ‘We are not meant to be the same but through diversity we complete each other in the work force’ was the message and I loved it.

Turkey has a long way with certain things because female solidarity is not very strong.

When I was in college in the states I used to briefly date a Turkish guy who was admired by a lot of girls on campus. One day an American girl walked up to me and told me that she is his ex and he is threatening her with her nude photos which she willingly let him take at the time.

Would I help her.

I was furious.

I told her not to worry and went straight to his house. I was yelling at him “How dare you threaten her!” He kept saying that she is giving him a hard time, trying to get back with him so to get her to back off he said that but would never share the photos with anyone.

So, I told him he has to return the photos right away, which he did and she thanked me.

My best girlfriend at the time who was Turkish told me “Why did you get involved, he is your boyfriend, and he is always so nice to you, getting out of his way just to please you. You should have cared more about your relation than some random girl.”

This is the way men get their way in Turkey, because female solidarity is weak.

He did not change his ways with me for standing up for his ex. So, I had not harmed my relation at all. However, my opinion of him had changed and after a while I walked away. Still, to this day he keeps in touch with me as a friend so my behavior was not damaging.

The point is that in Turkey, men who mistreat some women are still desirable for other women because they assume to be better than the woman who was mistreated.

Pitfall!

The same way in the work force men are able to manipulate women by telling her she is like a man, she is different than other women, thus they want to remain separated, keep feeling superior, so they don’t support each other.

Different situation, same pitfall!

However, I had different experiences as well. I used to work for a worldwide ad agency and my director was a man but the GM was a woman. I was doing all the work and my director was taking all the credit.

So, when it was time to do a presentation in London at the headquarters of the agency he asked me to prepare it so that he could go and do the presentation.

I was at a junior position so it did not surprise me.

However, the GM said that I should go because I did all the work and that was it, she did not let him even argue about it. I was pleasantly surprised that she was aware and so fair that she would let the junior person go instead of the senior which was out of the ordinary.

He started to make my life hell of course but I did not care.

I never respected him anyway.

I still very much respect the woman who used to be my GM back then though.

So, when it comes to gender equality, women need to support other women.

Also, women should be able to feel comfortable being accepted as female leaders without trying to become like a man. I think her deep awareness of the day to day in the company was very much the manifestation of a female quality that a man would probably lack. We see things, we pick up on things in a different way. Those qualities are very valuable assets.

So, we don’t have to be harsh to be respected.

I personally have been mistaken to be naïve or even stupid sometimes. There have been situations where I may have acted naïve too. However, there are probably more situations where my calming approach resolved things.

So, while supporting each other, I love this new message that is going out there to younger generations of women; “You don’t need to be like a man. Embrace yourself for being the woman that you are!”

Happy Women’s Day Everyone!

First “No”

I’ve been wanting to sit down and write for a while now but life has been so busy. Last week I was a guest on a TV talk show that airs nationally but is a University TV channel.

I did not know what they were going to ask me. They asked about entrepreneurship, about charity work, about writing and about my business. There were more questions on the list about my Sahaja Yoga Practice and about charity work in detail but we ran out of time.

Anyway the conversation was flowing when being asked on advice for the students, I found myself advising courage, taking risks, not giving up easily, reading a lot, researching a lot etc.

It was an interesting experience for me because all my life I never had stage fright. Speaking publicly or on TV always came natural to me. I have been on live TV and on taped shows before and the conversation would always flow. The same way, I’ve done presentations where the point I’m trying to make would be grasped by everyone in the audience with full attention mostly.

However during the period that I was unwell, TV interviews seemed like such a drag for me.  I did them all the same but they were not so easy anymore. I always had this fear of running out of breath during, so I would take anti-acids which gave me minor relief.

When I watch the interviews during those days, I remember that no one other than my close friends who knew about my condition could tell something was wrong. An actress friend of mine even said that the way I am sitting a bit low is somehow sexy?!?

She made me laugh and I told her that I was sitting like that because it was hard for me to sit normal. I’m pretty sure there is nothing sexy about it, yet she can be funny that way.

Anyhow, for me this week was yet another  milestone in getting my life back.

When the hostess showed me all the questions that she had prepared I knew that there was no way she could ask me so much in 40 minutes. Conversations flow when I am my usual self and that is what happened. This was aired live and not having any issues, to be myself again joking and laughing on live TV felt great.

In 2014, I was on a TV show with my doggies, this was before I became unwell and during the period that I was sick, that show was a reminder of my old self. It felt terrible not to be so comfortable in situations anymore, whether it is a meeting or live TV.

Anyhow, it is coming back one step at a time and for each milestone I am happy. However human nature is interesting, now that I am in an in between stage I find myself less patient to what is left of my condition. I am still clearing out and getting tired and having minor breathing issues from time to time. Nothing like before of course.

Last year around this time I could not walk to the trash container in my alley without running out of breath. I was taking up to ten anti-acids a day as my doctor at the time had prescribed, saying that they are mild. Turns out anti-acids did not much help because it was my lungs that caused the shortness of breath.

Now I am not taking any medicine except for the activated carbon that absorbs toxins which is mostly natural.

The cleanse that I have been going through for almost a year now is very tiring on the elimination organs, so I know that it is normal for me to be fatigued but I am looking forward to being energetic.

Along with the clear out change is also coming.

There was a lady, a friend of my mom who had come to my house a few times and commented that there is so much peace in the house that she feels relaxed when she comes.

She called me a while ago and told me that she cannot sleep at night, she wants me to give her Sahaja Yoga lessons.

Ever since I have become a yogini for the first time I said “No”

Sahaja Yoga is meant to be practiced collectively.

2020 is a new decade and I had decided to change things. So I did not want to take over another person who has issues, absorbing their vibrations etc.

One needs to be well to do that and I am barely getting better. Also one is not supposed to do that alone.

I used to have Sahaja Yoga classes for ladies who come from a different socio-cultural and socio-economical background.

I did it with love.

However in 4.5 years they did not manage to improve even the slightest bit. They never learned the mantras, they were never able to share the love which is the essence of Sahaja Yoga. One cannot only take, one has to give love too.

I think, I justified it because they were not very educated. Some of them were cleaning ladies etc. which made me extra compassionate towards the less fortunate. Actually, spiritual evolution has nothing to do with schooling.

Eventually a yogini friend of mine who came to the class said, they dump the week on us and we clear them out once a week. They don’t meditate. It was true, and the reason that they were not progressing.

So, I finally stopped.

I started another class somewhere else and yet again those who joined were not meditating outside the class. It did not continue for too long.

The idea in Sahaja Yoga Classes is for joiners to learn how to meditate so that they can continue at home. My mistake was to keep going when they were not taking that step.

So when this lady asked me for classes, I politely referred her to one of the many centers that give classes for free.

This is a phase in my life where I am in need of containing vibrations for my own healing not spreading them.

Going back to the subject of my TV interview, I found myself advising students to take part in charity activities and told them how I took part in painting play areas for little kids when I was a college student and how much fun it was as a collective activity.

Indeed it was and that should be the spirit. Learning to share love and act compassionately at a younger age is good for the society. When those people become decision makers, their compassionate side will be with them.

As to my own journey, I am finally trying to find a balance between being compassionate and being sucked out of vibrations. So far it seems to be going well…

Let Go…

Positivity has taken me over. I am very pleased with this. Yogis are not supposed to be worried and they are supposed to see things in a positive light.

I would not call myself a negative person ever but I was getting worried over things.

That suddenly stopped finally.

We need to be detached for things to work out on a Divine level. In Islam the same concept exists and is called “Surrender”. I finally feel surrendered like never before.

True surrender means detachment. It means not to be concerned with the outcome of things while doing all that is needed to achieve the intended result.

It can be tricky.

Especially if you have a figure in your life that blames you all the time, it becomes tricky to be detached of outcomes and not to feel guilty.

I somehow got there though and it is very pleasing.

It enables me to enjoy the moment and be happy.

Last week I discovered that one of my supposed closest girlfriends tried to harm me behind my back.

Since we were close I had given her free of charge anti-aging device sessions. However, we had a fall out and I did not respond to her phone calls anymore.

She went to one of the places that bought the device, a clinic that I had introduced into her life. She went there to get paid sessions for herself and her brother since we were not speaking for a while and she liked the effect of the device.

Anyway, it turns out she badmouthed the product even though she was seeking more sessions and a discount using my name. I got a bit upset of course that she tried to harm my business for no reason at all. All I did was give her things and favors. Looking back I realize that my favors were never returned but I never paid attention to that detail because that is not how I see the world.

Anyway, to my surprise I was very detached from her.

She is one of the people that I had left in the last decade and so when the clinic called and they told me about this conversation, I was pleased with my decision to dismiss her from my life.

I don’t know why she tried to harm me behind my back but that is for her to deal with in her karma.

As I decided to remove her from my life completely, I was browsing through my messages and noticed that she had asked for the contact of my manicurist, my maid, my gynecologist, my dermatologist, the list goes on. She befriended my dear family friend and my healer on Instagram although she never even met him. I did not realize it while we were close but when distanced it is a bit creepy.

This is not the first time that this type of a thing happened to me. My mind is not very suspicious of people but also the petty stuff people are after and see as an advantage to take from me I am happy to give. It makes me count my blessings that I am seen as someone who has an advantage that they want from me.

I’d rather be in my place instead of the petty one because from my perspective the little things that such people are after such as a free beauty session or being introduced to someone they feel is important or whatever it may be, mostly means nothing to me. Because, I don’t place value, I don’t get suspicious.

Anyhow, having someone who was so negatively intended about me so near me was a waste of my vibrations. Such people also absorb positive vibrations and feed on others.

Letting go of her and the likes seems to have elevated my mood.

Also, I have been healing. It is very interesting, I have been infected with microorganism that feed on my body and make me sick over the past five years and for the past ten months, I have finally been clearing out. Along with the clear out as the microorganisms are being removed from my physical body those who were leaching on me vibrationally are also disappearing from my life.

I remember in India Yogiji Uncle told me to stay away from those who emit my vibrations. He said “You come all the way here, meditate, put in the effort to clear your vibrations and then they want to spent time with you to emit them from you. Don’t let them, contain your vibrations.”

He was right. I did not know how to, I still don’t.

He told me you need to learn to say no even to kind approaches when people are feeding on you with their negativity.

This I still have not achieved. I’ll get there though.

The people, that I left in the last decade had entered my life in the last decade and all of this happened spontaneously.

The only change I had was the decision to be less tolerant. Actions should have ramifications.

It feels good to heal and become myself again.

When it was current, I was not speaking as openly about my condition as I am now because it would have made it more difficult to endure. I was getting sick everyday of everyday.

The physical vulnerability reflects onto other areas as well. I did not have my built-in fighting power at its peak. I am a fighter so I fought my unwell condition and carried on with my life as best as I could. However so many things I did not have the strength to deal with thus I let them slide.

That has started to change as I started healing.

Someone was harming me even though legally I have the upper hand but I just could not deal with him. Towards the end of last year, he did it again and this time I told him that I will take legal action if he does not fix it.

A year ago, I had kindly asked and it got me nowhere, this time I threatened and he took a step back.

This is more like the old me, dealing with things head on. I recently received a toll fine of almost 400 USD. So, I fought with the lawyer who informed me and dealt with all the appropriate places and in the end, they reduced it to around 70 USD.

This may be a very simple thing but it is like the old me. I had the energy to not accept and deal with it.

It feels nice to feel like my old-self again.

I recently read a phrase that says “What I went through was my test, how you treated me while I was going through it is your test.”

Thus I find myself easily removing people from my life. Yet I am feeling happier and more positive too. It is almost like things are also flowing better since I removed the not so well intended ones from my life.

I go ahead and enjoy the simple things that always have given me joy. The satisfaction I get from preparing my home-made coconut body scrub and applying it as a regimen for example is amazing. Preparing teas with wonderful perfume like scented flavors is the simplest task but gives me so much joy. Today I got some frank incense and cardamom seeds from the grand bazaar, how delightful it was for me to enjoy tea with wonderfully scented cardamom seeds and burning some frank incense while listening to meditative music was so fulfilling.

Going to the gym after my meetings are over and really properly working out and completing the evening with a steam room and sauna treatment, walking my doggies, a good meditation, a movie while crawling in my cozy bed are the simple things that I find so delightful because I could not do some of those things for a long time.

It also feels wonderful to feel strength again.

I am grateful for the loving people in my life and I am glad for the other ones to be removed just like that…

 

 

Hectic but Fun

The new year started fast. I have been very busy since January the first. I actually had a business meeting on December 31^st and another one on January the first. So, the year’s pace picked up soon.

This week however I have been busy with social events. On Monday night I was at a charity event for the Kidney Foundation. It was delightful.

Yesterday, I was at the opening of a Wellness Center and at night I was at a Charity Ball for TEMA which is a foundation that is actively working to save nature.

This one hits close to home because it breaks my heart when nature is tarnished by mankind and animals suffer as a result of it. I think part of the reason it hurts me when they are harmed is because animals are pure love, they don’t know any other language.

Recently I was at the coffee shop of my gym and there was a Labrador. He immediately took liking of me and his owner tried to restrain the dog. I said “It’s OK, he can smell my dogs and knows I’ll be welcoming his jumps.” Later on, the dog was playing with me grabbing my hand in his mouth. It’s play for them, so as we were playing a lady saw and said “It’s clear that the dog does not know you, how are you so sure that he won’t bite?” So, I explained that dogs play with their mouth, they carry things with their mouth, there is nothing to be worried.

The owner quoted a sentence he heard in a documentary about dogs saying that “they are always there giving love, aiding mankind for thousands of years whereas mankind does not always return the love.”

I was a tad surprised to hear this because it was from my documentary.

I get social media messages when its aired but hearing someone quote something that was part of what I had written and filmed was joy giving.

My doggies are my little piece of heaven.

After last night’s ball, today I was another lovely event. The birthday of the former first lady Semra Özal. It was a delightful afternoon.

 

Then there was another charity event which made the social gatherings back to back these days.

Coming home to the serenity and peaceful environment after a lot of social gatherings feels wonderful. We had a long meditation. I felt in India for a little bit.

I really miss India and the calmness.

Istanbul is hectic.

A lot of interactions even when the events are very pleasing, can be tiring on a vibrational level sometimes. So, clear out meditations feel good after crowded environments.

The soothing feeling of being in the moment while cool vibrations flow is just wonderful. Suddenly, time, worries thoughts all slowly calm down and disappear. What is left is a centered mood, inner peace and joy. I love that because it also instills a lot of confidence towards life in general.

Last night at the charity ball I danced away for the first time after a long time. I was unable to dance even though I love dancing because of my breathing issues.

So, every step towards getting my life back feels just amazing. I noticed half way on the dance floor that nothing was holding me back and gave me so much joy.

I already like 2020 already in general. I entered the new decade leaving some people from my life in the last decade. They entered my life in the last decade and somehow were passing through my life temporarily I suppose. Because I end up spending time with those that I have known forever more than those who were part of a phase in my life.

There are more laughs and less complaints in my social environment now so I guess this was a good change…

 

 

 

Socio-culture vs Socio-economics

I have been reminiscing about the past as I was looking for an empty USB to upload a presentation and coming across old photos on them.

So many phases of life. The past decade was not my best but we go through what we go through so that our spirit can evolve.

As a yogini I know our pure desire is very efficient. It means when we desire something from the heart it manifests in front of us sooner or later.

Shri Mataji my Guru used to say, be careful what you think, your thoughts are mantras. She would draw attention to our powers as Yogis.

It is so true. As a yogini I often find that my perspective on life is different than others. For example, I find Plaza people a bit scary since they are so ambitious, yet dissatisfied and in a constant “Keeping up with the Joneses” type of mood. They work so hard for that short vacation per year which is about going to a place that shows status, that shows that they belong to a certain layer of the society.

What a drag…

Of course, I was blessed enough to be doing interesting things from a young age on because of my family’s preferences. So, I never travelled conventionally with a tour or anything. When in India I have friends like family, which is a very eminent family, when in Italy there is a whole clan of family all over the country, when in Indonesia I have my college friend Eric who almost ran for Presidency, when in Africa, I have very eminent African friends, the list goes on.

So, it makes the travel experiences different than ordinary touristic trips.

I like that international aspect of my life.

Things were different for me until the last decade. Along with the 2010’s things were changing out of my control.

I had lived all my life in grandiose houses with elegant antiquities, thanks to my mom’s exquisite taste in decoration.

Suddenly, I was living in a tiny house with a big garden and four huge dogs. I could not use my antique furniture because they were chewing on everything. I could not have the carpets that I like because they were messing it up.

However, they were giving and still are giving me so much joy it was all worth it.

Instead of a regular flat like other people choose to live I had to live in a private home yet I did not want to live in one of those new neighborhoods that were not even considered Istanbul when I was growing up.

So, I ended up in an old Istanbul neighborhood and a tiny house.

When I was going through USB’s I saw the below photo and it made smile. This is a friend of mine who rescued the Golden Retriever from a shelter and brought him to us wondering if I would want to adopt him. I really wanted him. I always loved dogs.

However, my friend looked around the house and said, this place is not suitable for the dog with all this furniture and carpets etc.

I still wanted the dog but he already placed him with someone else and it was a good place.

However, seeing the photo reminded me how Shri Mataji always said “Your thoughts are mantras.”

I did not know on this day that a few years later I would have plenty of dogs but different living conditions.

Most of my friends have known me since childhood or college, but of course new friends also entered my life within the last decade.

So, they have been part of my life at a slower pace due to multiple reasons including my health issues. I could not be the social butterfly that I once was anymore.

I grew fond of one girlfriend in particular. We did enjoy our time together.

She did not know much of my old life and I did not think it mattered. I still would go to plenty of places, not like before though.

I remember last summer she rented a house in Alaçatı for 15 days or so and said come stay with us, I said “Sure” out of courtesy.

She has her kids, her husband etc. why would I go?

But she thought I meant it and said but “Let’s double check on the exact dates so that I have room.”

I said, “Darling, I have been invited to the homes of friends in Miami, in New York and plenty of other places at least 9 years in a row and did not have time, I doubt that I’ll come.”

She was surprised and said “Why would you not go?”

She had a point, my darling friend in Florida had tried to entice me by saying “Banu, we will go to the Bahamas too.” She knows I love tropical islands.

It just was not that I did not want to go but my life had changed. It is difficult to travel and stay away long when you have 4 dogs. It took me years to get the right help. When, there is time my preference is to go to India.

Anyway, I had plenty of vacations last summer and the doggies were fine but in previous years I had issues with the help. I remember one short ski trip, my vet agreed to feed my doggies. It was only a 2 days trip. Turns out the Kangals did not let him into the house. They know him very well in fact but they decided not to let him in. Since he is a vet, he knew to read them and back off when they acted aggressively.

Another helper did not feed them during one vacation. So, it is not always easy to find a good match.

But they were my desire the day my friend had brought over the doggy so Divine answered my desire. I am ever grateful for their presence.

So, the friends that entered my life within the last decade do not understand my preferences as well as my long-term friends which is normal.

The same girlfriend once told me that she is going to contemporary Istanbul but it’s maybe not something that I am into.

The walls of my tiny house which she visited all the time were filled with the same paintings that she did not notice until I moved into a bigger house.

Visiting contemporary Istanbul was not something I would do, to be doing the trendy thing but because I actually appreciate art.

I had picked out the painting in the below photo at contemporary Istanbul in 2006 or 2007 and it was later on featured as one of the 5 best pieces exhibited that year. It is an Adnan Turani Painting.

I used to go to the MOMA San Francisco all the time, it was a block down from my school and Tuesdays were free entrance, so sometimes I’d just walk in to clear my head. They had some Dali and some Matisse paintings that were always on display, not exhibited temporarily. I liked going and looking at them. I love Matisse. He was supported by a wealthy family from San Francisco so some of his pieces were there.

My appreciation of art had never been for the sake of appearances. It is a vibrational thing, artists pass on their vibrations and some speak to our hearts and move us, simple as that.

Anyway, towards 2010 signs of change came into my life and I adapted as it kept being different than what I was accustomed to, towards the end of the decade change came again by force not choice.

I had to move out of that tiny space which was part of my changed life and that I had gotten used to now. I ended up in a nice house with a beautiful view.

So, mom beautifully decorated it for me. Her touch is amazing, she makes any space beautiful, right away.

My doggies love it as well, so we are comfortable. They are older now so I don’t have to worry about them ruining the furniture or the carpet anymore.

Lots of travel and environments filled with antiquities are some of things that were part of my former life and with the doggies and other changes in my life not as much anymore.

I am always the same in the eyes of my friends who have known me forever. I did not stop to think that in the eyes of some of the people who later entered my life, those small things are also indicators of which layer of the society one belongs to.

So as my life is reverting more to its previous ways, I see myself losing connection with those who entered my life within the last decade. Not necessarily by choice, but it is happening.

So, all this made me think of socio-culture versus socio-economics.

In Turkey these two things don’t always go hand in hand because there is always a lot of new money in the country. Every election some families are supported thus become wealthy and others lose the grip.

So, the aspiration of the plaza people is towards socio-economic status symbols. The depth or the cultural satisfaction does not concern them as much. Their role models are most likely new money people who are lacking genuine interest in such things.

Whereas art in all forms feeds the soul. Whether it is music, or a painting or a sculpture or performing arts, if we now how to truly appreciate it, it can elevate our life immensely.

The way I was walking into MOMA just to clear my head when surrounded by creativity.

I have been in environments where people were discussing that the price of a painting increases based on square meter. Seriously?!?

These are people with good education and buying power, yet the appreciation for art is lacking, it is more of a symbol of status.

So, I tried to explain otherwise and could not convince them until I reminded them that the Mona Lisa is not necessarily a huge painting yet it is priceless. The same rule applies to all, it is what it beholds, you are not buying flooring by the square meter…!

This blog should not give out the wrong message that I claim to be some kind of expert on art, not at all but I sure know how to appreciate beauty which enriches my life.

Thus, my preferences and priorities may be a little different than others.

Like not wanting to live in one of those new neighborhoods in a bigger house but away from Istanbul feeling.

Anyway, as I am healing, my pace of life has accelerated a bit and I have been picked on a bit by those who entered my life in the last few years. Yet my connection with those that have known me forever is as the way it has always been.

I am a very loyal friend and all my friends have been long term. So usually I don’t write people off based on small things but lately I find myself letting go easy.

If they misread my humility and could not see that what suddenly bothers them is their changed perception of me, not me changing, just like the same paintings that have been hanging on the walls of my tiny house for years, suddenly becoming visible and beautiful to them in this house…not my problem…!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally Forgiven Him

The year and the decade are coming to an end. This was not a good decade but it was a good year for me.  The first half of the decade I had business problems, the second half of the decade I had health problems. In 2019 it all got better.

 

My health problems started in the summer of 2014. I remember the very day that I realized that something was wrong with me. I always lacked energy so I could not work out the way I used to. One day I was at the pool, I swam and felt fuzzy. I got myself out of the gym, showered etc. I was still feeling weird so I bought an Ayran (yoghurt drink) I thought my blood pressure had dropped. The drive home was difficult, I could hardly breath.

I questioned whether I had developed some sort of allergy to humidity, it was that kind of summer day. The next day, it happened again as I was passing by the hospital, we went in they gave me oxygen and then decided that I had a panic attack.

I had no idea that this was the beginning of many years to come where I would be unable to breath, pass out here and there, be operated over and over again, be weak, be unable to run or even walk fast.

To make a long story short, I did not have a panic attack, my lungs were infected with microorganisms that do not show in x-rays. Not only my lungs but other organs too.

The microorganisms were weakening my immune system thus I was developing cysts and kept getting operated to remove them. However, they were the end result, the cause was not diagnosed.

In 2016, I went to India to a Sahaja Yoga hospital, then I visited Yogiji uncle in Dhramasala the Himalayas. It was so wonderful. I felt better for a while after the trip.

Yogiji Uncle told me that I need to clear out my right heart chakra, so did the doctors at the hospital. Right heart catches cause breathing problems. This chakra gets blocked from problems with the father. My father passed away in 2012. We had a broken relationship but I loved him.

Yogiji Uncle said “You have to forgive him.” I kept saying, “It does not feel like I don’t forgive him. I don’t get it.”

Anyway, I started working on this chakra. 2017, I was a bit better, still not my old self. In 2018 the passing out here and there, running out of breath issues got worse.

I recall this particular day very well too. Doctors kept telling me that there was nothing wrong with me, its psychological. So, one day I went to a business meeting to a very eminent doctor who is also a good family friend, he has known me a long time.

I was so out of breath, he said “Come my child let me examine you.” Normally I would be embarrassed but I was so sick. He said I needed another operation. There was the risk that they would cut me open vertically this time which scared me.

So, I got operated and they did not cut me open vertically thank God. For a while I was OK but towards the end of last year it started again.

I was so desperate. Years were passing by and I was always sick, it just wasn’t going away. The gastroenterologist that my gynecologist had referred me was a very eminent professor who ordered tests after tests with no diagnoses other than it must be psychological. The last test he ordered was an MRI, he was questioning the operation I had.

I knew that I was operated very well, my gynecologist is one of the best in the country, so I did not get the test but I was feeling very desperate.

I kept meditating and working on myself vigorously as that was the only thing that gave me relief. The gastroenterologist had told me to use anti-acids and such medicines for life. I was trying to heal and stop.

Anyway, we went on a ski vacation where sleeping in the same room my mom saw how I was waking up at night completely out of breath and finding relief via Sahaja Yoga methods only.

In the meantime, I had read that Acupuncture helps. So, she said “Why don’t you go to Tarık?” He is a long-time family friend and an amazing healer. I did not go to him until March 2019.

Before that I had one terrible experience where I walked up the hill by my house that I used to walk up all the time and I ran so terribly out of breath that it felt like a panic attack, I hardly brought myself home.

I really did not know what to do with myself. Hills scared me, it was happening everywhere. While walking Bisou-Bisou one day I thought I won’t make it back to the car and found solace that Bisou-Bisou would keep me safe if I pass out on the street. I would force myself to the gym and hardly make it home desperately trying to breath like the first time it happened in 2014. So, working out was agony. The lethargy was another problem.

So, this February I drove to Tarık although his house was walking distance from mine. Forget running, I could hardly walk to the trash container in my alley.

As soon as he took a look at me he diagnosed me and prescribed some anti- parasite pills and diets etc.

It has been some journey but I have been clearing out for 10 months now, getting my life back one step at a time.

Yesterday, I ran for 20 minutes without interruption at the gym. By mistake or force of habit from my previous life I had the speed higher than I would dare try deliberately and I only noticed it 5 minutes into my run. So, I kept going in awe that I am able…

It was so liberating!

Today, I still had my minor breathing problems but it is nothing like before. I know I am healing!

I recently realized that I had forgiven my father too!

Hmm..

So, my right heart chakra has been clearing out finally and my breathing issues’ solution arrived.

I was at a function and someone said that I don’t at all look like my mother so I found myself saying “I took after my father.”

I don’t know about my looks but I did take after him in terms of nature. He was very polite and charming. I have been described as polite all my life. My softer ways compared to mom’s side of the family come from him.

When I look at my cousins from the father’s side, they are all that way. It comes from my Circassian Grand Mother.

Humility and soft behavior is very important in the Circassian culture. Roughness is considered vulgar.

So even though, I did not grow up with him, I am part of him.

My killer metabolism must be from him too. I am one of those annoying people that can eat whatever they want and not get fat even when I could not work out. He was a good swimmer taught me how to swim by the age of two. So, my sporty ways could be part of him, although mom’s side is all into sports as well.

My father was a typical Sagittarius, charming but straight forward at the same time. When we went somewhere anyone waiting on our table would be immediately fond of him.

The same rule applies to me too.

Even Parisian waiters who have a reputation for being rude are kind to me.

Anyway, it feels good to embrace myself as part of my father as much as I am part of my mother and the forgiveness came along with it. Thus, I am healing on the chakra that causes breathing problems.

My dear healer Tarık also advised me to fix my relation with men. I told him, I am feeling so unwell so frequently, really men are the last thing on my mind. He said it should not matter. I did not see it or care about it at the time but he was right. It does not matter how sick I have felt, I have always been approached by men especially doctors that are closer to my age had been flirting with me and I would just ignore it.  Saving lives gives them an interesting self confidence that they would just invite me somewhere or chat out of context.

I get Instagram messages from people who did not have the courage to approach me in person at a concert or a restaurant even at a ski trip waiting by the lift. I never respond. I’m flattered though.

Ironically the one person that I admired despite of all that I have been going through did not see me. I did not even have much self-awareness on the matter until I could not get ahold of him one too many times.

It bothered me, means I care more than I have claim…hmm

I’ll just distance myself until I am indifferent to whether we speak or not and whatever this is fades away. I should look at those who flatter me not those who make me feel invisible…

Anyway, I am looking forward to the new decade. I am happy to be leaving the issues of this decade behind and looking forward to a year of lots of sports and health and joy.

What amazes me most about the past decade is how I made myself be truly happy despite of the limited life style I had with all those breathing issues everyday of everyday. My meditations and my doggies have a big role in that, they are the best thing that entered my life in the past decade.

It feels like 2019 was my year of healing and I am hoping that that 2020 will be the year to enjoy….